Attention Prayer Warriors: My neighbor left town for a funeral today. Please pray for God to protect & guide me as I steal his barbecue pit.
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I’m not a racist. Racism is a crime and crime is for black people.
When my kids ask me anything before coffee
Do you think Dracula ever forgets his coffin is shut and sits up and hits his head?
I heard someone say they were happy just to be upright and I thought that was weird because lying down is amazing.
When I was a little girl dreaming about what life in my thirties might be like, I envisioned way more powerful enemies.
Would you rather get paid $1,000,000 right now or pay somebody $10 a day to wake you up by punching you in the face?
I’ll take Option B. It keeps you motivated to go out and EARN. That’s the hustler mentality
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
I was once accused of stealing money from work. I didn’t do it but it was nice to know management also thought I wasn’t getting paid enough.
you heard me, make the middle of my dress look like a slice of pizza
shout “out” to people who stick around too long at your house
Dietest Coke
“Last night I was so drunk I replied to my own text”
I like my jims slim and my chances fat
“And then she kissed the frog and saw him turn into a prince, because kissing frogs makes you hallucinate.”
-me as a babysitter
Got kicked outta Starbucks for trying to order a venti mocha choca latta ya-ya creole lady marmalaaaaaaaaade.
Me: hey squirrel, dnt steal d pigeon’s food, the eggs are about to hatch
S: u stole a cake frm ur roomate
Me:
Me: here, take the eggs too
Honest wine recommendations are exactly what you need via @pleatedjeans
Bahaha. Loving the support, maybe we’ll get this handled.
Thursday Thought.
So many flashing lights and alarms on the new refrigerator. I think it might be a first responder.
“It’s Raining Men” is my favorite song about skydiving school.
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me: Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
Doctors, soldiers, firefighters. These are all respected positions. But the position I respect most as a parent
Is a driver’s Ed instructor
I wonder if people who live on the sun are just as excited about the eclipse as those on earth..
Nobody invites me to spa day…
Just because I ate the cucumbers off everyone’s eyes and used their face cream as dip ONE time.
Me: It’s been 3 years, but I’m finally making progress on my book.
Friend: You’re writing a book?
Me: No. I meant the book I’m reading.
You know when kids get a break at school and they go to the playground and they just run around and scream?
I think I should be allowed to do that in the car park at work
“My wife worked a 12-hour day and I asked what was for dinner” I explain to the other homeless people.
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
Me: cute infant you have there
Mary: thanks
Me: so tender and mild
Mary: …w-what