8am: plain egg whites
1pm: greek yogurt
6pm: grilled chicken / mixed veggies
12am: every damn snack on earth
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If you really want to impress me with the year a bottle of wine was made, bring me one from 2024….
Have you seen that ad where a Google Pixel owner talks about the phone automatically contacting emergency services after his car accident?
You know somebody is going to hit a telephone pole deliberately just to test that out.
Damn even I didn’t expect him to lift up the pizza lol
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
The walk from my house to the bar is 5 minutes.. The walk from the bar to my house is 35 minutes…
The difference is Staggering.
“Punch it bro, the lights gray.”
*looks at chess board for a long time before finally looking up* I thought you said cheese board
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
did you know you can cancel plans by simply saying “sorry. can’t. i have an avocado that’s ripe.” total legal. even if it’s not true.
If you eat cake fast enough your Fitbit thinks you’re walking
me: hey man you ready to go?
goku: hold on I gotta charge my phone
me:
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: almost done?
goku: AHHHHHHHHHH
me: son of a-
[On the next episode of…]
Me: I’ve never met a toilet I couldn’t clog!
Job interviewer: …And a weakness?
*first day in prison orientation*
Warden: Are there any questions?
Me: uh…any possibility of…say…field trips?
Warden: …
Me: *looks around* oh…like I’m the only one who wanted to know!!?!
Have you seen the Christmas pizza at Domino’s?
The baby cheese crust.
I exercised for a whole hour and a half. It wasn’t all on the same day but still
I’m just over here waiting for my 1st Richard pic.
gf: that guy hit on me, show him who’s boss
me: *whispering to guy* she is
I asked my 5yo why he didn’t eat all his lunch and he said he only likes his apples cut straight. I have no idea what that means.
I can’t find my toddler.
I can’t find the duct tape.
I’ve got a bad feeling about this.
Even on my death bed my wife will be telling me how she had a worse day than me.
guy at work just said he is going to see the new Jurassic Park movie and someone said “is that the one about dinosaurs?”
No thanks, ads to buy more followers; I get them the old-fashioned way: by telling them they’re gonna die and I can save them.
[Facepainting Booth]
Mum: Er…she wanted a butterfly…
Me: I only do toads
Mum: Well you should say that bef-
Me: *taps “TOADS ONLY” sign*
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
Is that a sweet potato in your pants, or are you just oddly shaped?
what I look like when I sleep with my mouth open
You only hear about go-go boots. I’d buy the shit out of some stay-stay boots. I stay more than I go. Finally some boots that fit my lifestyle and whatnot.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
“I can’t eat all of that!”
… and other lies I tell
Me: *Unveils tray of brownies*
Neighbor: I said to bring a salad
Me: Salad is a colloquialism for brownies in my home
Neighbor: I don’t know that word
Me: It means ‘house’