“Tell them I said hi” is the ideal amount of effort
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I’m gonna take this shit to another level!
*pushes elevator button*
I hate it when I go to hide out from my kids in the walk-in closet & my husband is already in there hiding out from me.
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
I’m a giver.
*gives you a hard time*
Me: *eating ice cream straight from the carton* It’s just easier this way.
Supermarket Manager: You’re fired.
I only like movies with a happy ending, which has led to several arrests in theaters
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: You love me?
Cop:
Me:
Cop:
Me: Is it because I’m driving a lawnmower?
Cop: Yes.
Me: *floors it*
i hope the maker of this enjoys jail because i’m calling the police
I have never laughed so hard in my LIFE
Doctor: I’m sorry, but it looks like you won’t be able to have sexual intercourse again.
Me: But I’ve only sprained my ankle.
Wife: “How did your first day as a lifeguard go?”
Me: “Amazingly well, thanks. Everyone was so friendly and waving at me.”
It’s impossible to look like a bad ass while eating a snow cone.
Call me crazy but it looks like cage free eggs come in little cages to me.
Don’t put all my eggs in one basket? Nice try, basket industry, I’m onto your marketing scam… #EasterBaskets
You know what….. my ex should’ve kept me blocked
What I say:
Play outside.What my kid hears:
Find a spot in the yard where I can’t see you so I constantly imagine you’ve been kidnapped.
The Airbnb reviews never tell you how comfortable the toilets are for falling asleep on
I saw a girl wearing a shirt that just said CANCER on the front and it took me five minutes to stop feeling sorry for her and realize that was her astrology sign.
Her: I’d love to be a kept woman.
Me: [trying to impress] I happen to have a basement I use for keeping women.
my kids: how many reese’s pb cups did you eat?
me: *picturing the 7 reese’s cups joining together as a mega-cup in my stomach* ….one
Some lady on The Price is Right just won a brand new 2016 Epi-Pen.
I’ve eaten so much Easter candy..that at this point I’m positive i’m ovulating Reese’s eggs.
“Moo.”
– hipster sheep
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
If you’re wondering how punctuation can be used to create suspense,
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
nothing saves money like being antisocial
A jerk is like a bad movie. You know within 5 minutes.
I never have road rage, but if you have crooked bumper stickers, it’s on.
Meow should be an acceptable answer to any question that can’t be answered with yes or no. For example:
-What’s your favorite colour?
-Meow
Now you’re thinking there isn’t such a colour, but you don’t know all colours, and new colours are born every day, so..