“NO, YOU CANNOT HAVE CANDY FOR BREAKFAST!” my children yell at me.
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[pulling my wife out of the sewer]
her: this is why you have to put the toilet seat down
I’ve been calling my kids children of the corn for so long my daughter just called me mom of the corn and I’m fine with it.
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
Trash night me: Damn these flimsy generic trash bags!
Grocery day me: Damn these Hefty bags are pricey!
When you give someone a present, unless you say “open it”, they’re legally not allowed to look inside.
me: my new book is fantastic
friend: can i borrow it when you’re done?
me: you can’t color it in twice
My public school was so bad the only thing I know about Africa is Toto.
My son said he doesn’t plan on returning home from college until Thanksgiving so we’re turning his bedroom into a Spirit Halloween.
The Church used to teach that all babies that die go to Limbo, but it was easy for them because they’re so short.
Growing up was a huge mistake
My childhood prepared me for more people tearing off masks to reveal their true identity as an old man.
inspire employees to make more of an effort by subtly letting them know just how easily they can be replaced
I love going to the gym this time of year because I’m a perfect example of what years of neglect and nachos can do to a body.
I hope the bomber suspect is made of green screen so we can all project our most feared skin color onto him.
can’t stop thinking about the time I got shamed by a rock
When she rips his shirt open in the movies, it’s sexy and romantic. But when I try it, he’s all “Your Pap smear is normal, but please don’t do that with your toes every time”.
People with no volume control stress me out.
I’m sorry I can’t pay attention to you because I’m literally watching everyone else pay attention to you for this personal conversation. I feel like maybe they should just chime in since they’re probably invested now.
My dad, a pilot rescued on French soil, behind a hidden wall panel with 8 Jewish children as the Nazis search, quietly opens a bag of chips
If someone is bothering you with unneccessary calls to your cell number, post their number on eBay with the ad “iPhone 5S for $1 only”
I have two kinds of followers
Son: When did u know you were old?
Me: When I started saying ‘congratulations’ to friends who said they were pregnant instead of ‘oh shit.’
Is the female equivalent of a douchebag a douchebaguette?
Me: I’m dieting, so just coffee for me
Him: But you put ice cream in your coff-
Me: *glares*
Him: Nothing, you’re doing great.
Gym receptionist: Would you like a towel?
Me: *puts down rack of ribs and licks fingers* Sure!
During labour, nurse came up to me & said, ‘How about Epidural Anesthesia?’ I was like, ‘Thanks, but I already picked a name.
Winner of unnecessarily terrifying headline of the year announced:
I’ll always be here for you, unless we run out of beer over here and someone has some over there, then I’ll be over there for you.
My husband was out with a friend of ours and texted me that he had crazy news about him, then wouldn’t text me the news and said it had to be told in person, so I had no choice but to file for divorce.
Saw a woman leave her dog in the car, engine running, air on. He watched her from the front seat for a moment and then drove away
100% of people in this world have texted “I just saw your text” at some point which is proof that there are no honest people in this world
It’s funny how we all sleep differently. I sleep on my side My roommate sleeps on his back. My ex sleeps with everybody. That sort of thing