they spent weeks “Finding Nemo” and “Finding Dory” but Marlin sure seemed to give up way easier when his wife disappeared. kinda sus.
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I bought a pair of underwear today.
In the front it says ‘I would do anything for love’.
In the back, ‘But I won’t do that’.
me: ever get halfway thru a sentence and forget where you are
cellmate: i wish
Me, excited: Are we gonna go in the Mosh Pet!
-You mean the mosh PIT, right?
Me, sad: *Furtively puts my dog grooming kit away*
Can’t
I’m serenading the neighbors with my harmonica at 2am
I’ve been on twitter for almost 12 years, I remember when it all used to be farmland
The name England comes from the words ‘engorged’ and ‘gland’ inspired, of course, by the shape of the country.
My dog is in a music video so needless to say he has accomplished more in life than I have.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
I wish I could re-enact the fantasy scenes from 50 shades of grey. Like the one where she gets a job right after college
Me: I feel like eventually I will drive everyone away.
Uber Driver: Same, Girl.
I would really love to see how Michaelangelo managed to paint that ceiling with his nunchucks.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
At the doctor they asked me how tall I was and I said 5’5 (which has been on my drivers license for my entire life) and the nurse said “hmmmmm” then measured and you guys I AM 5’3!! My entire life has been a lie.
You know if Harry Potter was real those kids would just spend all their time in their rooms playing HexBox.
Don’t give me instructions to your place that have words like “eastward” or “kilometres” and then get mad when I don’t show up
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
I’ll never forget what my dad said when I gave him a picture I drew and asked him to put on the refrigerator:
“You’re 22.”
[my first day at the spa]
*gently lays an entire cucumber on your eyelids*
A haiku to my boss who asked me to work this weekend:
Ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha ha ha ha
Ha ha ha ha no
If you post a picture of your kids today, you have to write, “thankful for my little turkeys.” I don’t make the rules.
“My wife and I are SO in love. Always finishing each other’s…”
(silence)
(silence)
*Russian accent* “You give me Green Card now, yes?”
When I was a small child my grandpa would put me on his lap and say: “from the smallest taco seed a great taco tree can grow.” He was a gentle and caring man, but he didn’t know a goddamned thing about tacos
Just stopped myself from thinking about this group of crows I saw last night when I realized that I was contemplating a murder.
And that about sums it up.
We’ve been working with 5 and 4 on being polite, asking how people are, etc. 4 apparently took that lesson to heart. We went into the mens room at the zoo, but there was someone in the stall. She leaned down, looked under the stall door, and asked “How are you doing in there?”
Psychiatrist (swinging a pocket watch): You are feeling verrry sleepy…
Me: No shit, doc. I suppose next you’re gonna tell me I’m feeling sad and fat.
Snow White: Someday my prince will come
Prince Charming: I swear this has never happened before
Waiting for a Sesame Street episode where Elmo puts paper over Rocco, killing him instantly
i thought i heard a dog approaching but it was just some hot girl’s keys jingling. i fixed my hair for nothing
“Let’s wake up super early, stand in the freezing cold with mobs of people & harass a cute little groundhog!” ~White people