These dogs look like they have good credit.
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My kids made a mess this morning pretending to be leprechauns. They don’t know it yet, but after school they get to pretend to be janitors.
Apparently hitting a butterfly with my car is “not a valid reason to call 911” and I “need to grow up”
Accidentally bring the wrong kid home on Halloween once and now I have to listen to the same stupid story EVERY year.
When someone cries, “No one gets me”
I immediately snatch them and put them in my trunk and yell, “I got you”!
“Try to be more socially interactive”, they said
“Engage with the wider community”, they said
“You have the right to remain silent”, they said
Being a parent means throwing your kids under a bus for how messy your house is when company arrives
I have 39 calories left for the day. I think I might just open the ice cream and smell it.
Telling my daugthers date that “she has lice and its very contagious the closer you get to her.”
*Correct way to parent.
I can’t see my boyfriend during this lockdown and I’m really unhappy about it!
My husband says he doesn’t care. Rude!
If your phone gets wet, put it in a bag of rice because maybe an Asian will come by and fix it.
Attn people who run in dark clothes at night,
I don’t have THAT much car insurance.
[Diner]
Waitress: Cops, and kids 5 and under eat for free
*me, discreetly nudging my 6 year-old*
my 6 year-old: im a police
Kids born in the years 2000 and after will never know the struggle of learning their birthdays in French like we did
2000: deux mille
2001: deux mille un1997: mille neuf cent quatre-vingt dix-sept
when my nephew says the bad word i taught him:
Confidence is sexy. Arrogance is not.
Detective: *into the earpiece* just act natural
Me: this tape is itchy
Drug Dealer: what
Me: what
*training the dog to sit*
Me: So you’re already low to the ground, but you must get lower.
Taco Bell doesn’t have a playground because its hard to have fun when you might shit your pants
My hateful coworkers discovered that I eat my lunch in the air ducts and now they’ve taken to smacking the air ducts with a broom.
*Pulls gun* Alright give me the money, and don’t try anything stupid.”
*Tries to put a fork in a light socket*
“Hey! What did I just say”!?
Oh, you like Thanksgiving?
Name 3 pilgrims.
After so much bullshit the past few years this upcoming colonoscopy somehow feels political
when there’s an awkward silence during a date i start combing my hair with a fork like the little mermaid.
You ever do something so stupid, your mouth refuses to work so you can’t tell on yourself?
Guess an extinguisher wasn’t in the budget
yesterday my wife sent me to the garage to see if i could find some wd40 & two hours later i managed to disable our sprinkler system & start a small brush fire inside the washing machine
Girls like guys who take charge: ask her out, plan a date, take a hostage, overthrow a government, nuke her ex’s hometown, buy her a puppy.
April is Stress Awareness Month, as if I’m not aware of my stress the other eleven months out of the year.
I changed my hubby’s name and pic to the Easter Bunny in my phone so my kid can text “him”
I freaked out later when EB was calling me.
Mensa should be contacting me any day now.
7yo: What are these?
Me: Cucumbers. Last week, you said you wanted to eat more healthy.
7yo: No, I meant that DAY, not all the time