The haters said I couldn’t do it. And the haters? They were right. They were correct. They even nailed the small details, frankly it’s amazing
You Might Also Like
Today I bought new wipers at Canadian Tire, walked out to the parking lot and replaced them, threw the old ones in the trash can by the main doors, walked back to my car, only to realize I replaced the wipers on the wrong car.
genie: what’s your 3rd wish
me: i wish u had amnesia
genie: what’s your 1st wish
My son called me ‘Marc’
I said “That’s a little presumptuous. Call me Dad”
He replied “Now who’s being presumptuous?”
wife: where’s the baby
me: in the cradle
wife: but where’s the cradle
me: on the treetop
[a gust of wind is followed by a crash]
me: I just thought of a song
8 year gap on resume that just says “karate”
pitching a show called Hitler about a guy who’s always being attacked by time travelers
I’m not sure why people limit themselves to snapping wishbones when there are so many excellent human bones for breaking.
This 3 hour home security video of me coming home drunk & trying to sneak through our motion sensor flood light should be on Netflix.
I don’t sit crossed legged to be classy, I’m holding my tampon in
Forcing my general contractor to dig his own grave. He says he can be done by May, maybe June. Depends on some other jobs.
If simply wrinkling my nose at your smell is politer than spraying you head to foot with Febreze then so be it.
Not happy but so be it.
I left this letter from ‘Management’ on the doors of an apartment complex
Got my son to paint our fence by telling him it was his first karate class.
The doctor suggested I replace the the pasta in my diet with more vegetables, so I chose potatoes.
In sibling math no matter which half they’re given, it’s always smaller.
Me: *gets on scale*
5yo: Whoa! That’s a lot of points!
Jurassic Park is my favorite movie about how humans get on everybody’s nerves.
Right before my grandma passed away she presented me with a jewelry box full of my own baby teeth like cursed hand-me-downs
Although I’ve been disappointed by some of the things cartoons promised yet failed to deliver, I must say I am relieved that my eyes don’t badoing out of my head whenever I see a fine lady.
I always leave my front door unlocked on my birthday just in case someone is planning to kidnap me in the morning and take me to breakfast 🙂 so far I’ve had zero birthday breakfasts 🙂 and two Blu-ray players robbed 🙂
I’m great at making pancakes and women uncomfortable.
It’s like grandma always said…
Make sure you put everything in the medicine cabinet back where you found it or you won’t be invited back.
I try not to be loud in the office restroom stall unless my boss is in the restroom, because then I want to prove I’m not just goofing off.
This puppy is lit but those puppies are litter
Daughter: How was your day, Daddy?
Me: Pretty busy, lots of meetings and deadlines.
Her: DEAD LIONS!?!
I was with my friend when he got pulled over and he said “just be cool” as if after a lifetime of trying I would suddenly figure it out then
Me: *thinking I hear someone breaking in* MY BOYFRIEND’S HERE & I HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me: THATS RIGHT, BOYFRIEND
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK WE’RE TAKING A BREAK BECAUSE HE’S TRYING TO REASSESS HIS EMOTIONAL PRIORITIES BUT I DO HAVE A GUN
Thief:
Me:
Thief:
Me: OK IT’S A BOOMERANG
Wife: How many beers is that for you today, dear?
Me: Like 4 maybe. 5 tops.
Wife: I counted 19.
Me: Well I rounded down.
“Awww. There there.”
*pats you on the face. Hard
“Wow he’s good” -possum at the morgue