Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
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My boss always tells me to work my magic, but if I had magic he’d be on fire
Last Christmas I gave you my heart but the very next day, you gave it away.
This year….you’re getting fruitcake.
Alcohol increases the Send Button size by 89%.
ME: I wish I had a TV camera I can look at in opportune moments
GENIE: um ok
ME: I wish everyone was gullible
GENIE: Done
ME: And I wish for updog
GENIE: What’s updog?
ME: *looks at camera*
I really don’t see what the problem is with me letting my dogs on the sofa, but the man at the furniture shop was adamant.
HER: so like, what are you into?
ME: coincidences
HER: no way, me too!
Every day I try to learn from the mistakes of people who took my advice.
*Power goes out*
Wife: I can’t see!*Shoes light up*
Me: Ha! Whose shoes were “a waste of money” & “clearly meant for a large child” now?!
I don’t remember my driver’s ed teacher saying anything about merging while a child is playing a recorder in the back seat.
In 2000 years, people will celebrate all this with chocolate eggs delivered by an imaginary rabbit.
~Time travelling me, to Pontius Pilate.
[6:00]
This edible is never going to hit.[6:20]
*stirring my Pepsi with a fork*
[annoyed burglar waking me] you still have a VCR?
[Installing ceiling fan]
Me: drill…screwdriver… tape…there finished!Wife on the phone: Is this Bob’s fix-it shop? Yeah, he just got done.
Outside doing some gardening and I’m pretty sure that my neighbour just heard me tell a worm that he is “a heckin’ chonk” and to “keep up the good work”.
Before you curse gravity, just imagine how unsatisfying sitting down would be without it.
Despite the newer research, many people are still afraid of sharks. We will call those people “the living.”
angel: so what are plants gonna eat, since they can’t move to find food?
god: *blows massive line* they’ll eat the sun
8 digit bank passcode is protecting my 3 digit bank balance 😂
Annoyance rankings:
1. bothersome
2. pet peeve
3. me watching people carrying obviously empty coffee cups on TV
kale is so versatile, it can literally fit into any trash can
why would anyone want a baby? it’s just another thing you have to clean
If i had $5 for every time I said up yours to someone, my butler would be saying it for me.
Everyone rags on Facebook, but where else can you get a weather update, religious counseling, and a peach cobbler recipe all in one site.
Every woman says she wants to be treated like a princess, until you try to marry her off to your most powerful ally.
Was folding laundry and accidentally folded myself into a shirt and gently tucked myself into the drawer and then softly closed it???
me: *shaking fortune cookie* will i be smart one day?
Five Guys: thats a peanut.
My husband sent me a text that said…I love you, but have something gross to tell you. I can tell it’s going to be terribly romantic.
*checks Groupon for deals on exorcisms*
I was riding in an Uber with a gay male colleague when his Grindr app notification went off on his phone. The female Uber driver said, “I know that sound – my husband plays that game all the time.”
Kids, you can grow up and be
whoever you want …….. it’s called
identity theft.