I’d like to see the dollar store get a liquor license.
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Sorry I ate your frisbee bro, I thought it was a tortilla, I like to eat tortillas I find at the park.
My velour track pants say ‘antidisestablishmentarianism’ on one cheek and ‘juicy’ on the other
Me- Can I borrow a screwdriver? Neighbor- Phillips or regular? Me- Grey Goose and Tropicana
Me: I have too much to do, there’s not enough hours in this day!
Also me: *takes buzzfeed quiz to see what my Easter Bunny name is*
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
When the audio cuts out at the end of a newscast and the anchors start chit-chatting I like to pretend it’s about my surprise party.
No, no, no, you don’t have to engage in a long explanation of why you’re single. We’ve spent five minutes together, I think I’ve got it.
I can’t grab a drink with you after work. I am limiting my liquids since I am wearing a jumpsuit
When I want my husband to cut the grass I give him a mowtivational speech.
HULK:*smashes a tank*
IRON MAN:*flies bomb into space to save mankind*
HAWKEYE: I have an arrow w/ your name on it pal, hold on stand still
*Judge raises hammer* “I SENTENCE YOU TO LIFE” -*defendant chuckles* “I’m already alive you MORON!”
*overheard during my 6yo’s Zoom class*
Teacher: Today is the last day of September. What does that make tomorrow?
Boy: January 1?
Girl: Valentine’s Day?
Seems to me these kids are just as ready for 2020 to end as anyone else.
Perfection.
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Forget sex. Try to explain economy to a child
I always thought I was a terrible multitasker until I had kids and had to feed a baby, wipe a nose, and produce a snack all while merging on the freeway.
One time an orca befriended me and then tried to steal my boyfriend
I lost my camouflage wallet, so if you happen to see it, then it’s shitty camouflage and I don’t want it back
DM from account I don’t follow: “Hi”
Click on account
Follows – 7
Followers – 0
Tweets – 0
Retweets – 0
AVI – Pretty girlMe: Okay, I can work with this.
NO SCREENS FOR THE WHOLE WEEKEND just fell out of my mouth and if divorce were a facial expression my husband just asked me for one
They say throwing a party is about planning, but it’s really about setting aside your pride and asking your friends and family to bring whatever dumb items you forgot.
Honestly I wouldn’t want to be left alone with anyone who knew even a single way to skin a cat
[at Taco Bell]
Me: TWO SOFT TACOS AND A BEAN BURRITO BOYEEEEEE
Speaker: ˢᴵᴿ˒ ᴾᴸᴱᴬˢᴱ ᴾᵁᴸᴸ ᵁᴾ ᵞᴼᵁ’ᴿᴱ ᵀᴬᴸᴷᴵᴺᴳ ᵀᴼ ᴬ ᴸᴵᴳᴴᵀ ᴾᴼᴸᴱ
It’s pretty and I’m a Taurus so naturally, I can’t help myself.
interviewer: how did u hear about us
me: *sweating* w-with my ears
*swipes right on my hand mirror
A journey of a thousand miles begins with a single “I’m going out for cigarettes.”
If you get a tattoo with words, and there is a misspelling, just get a red squiggly line added underneath it and everything’s cool
Darth Vader: *kazoo noise*
Emperor: What, someone put a kazoo in your face mask again while you were sleeping?
Darth Vader: *sad kazoo noise*
If you boil a funny bone does it then become a laughing stock.