Walking 500 miles:
-somewhat impressive
-no real purpose
-kind of weirdWalking 500 more:
-an impressive total of 1000 miles
-to fall down at your door
-da da da (DA DA DA)
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It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
tis the season
I took the garbage out even though it was raining. “Hero” is a strong word, but accurate in my case.
If Usher ever worked in a theater, his nametag could be “Usher Usher.” I’m sorry for that joke but I’m actually addicted to the send button.
Just remember, every time someone misuses the word “epic” Zooey Deschanel covers another Smiths song on her ukulele.
Doctor: you’ll be fine if you don’t touch your face
T-rex: hell yeah
Him: The last couple of years have been tough.
Me: Tell me about it!
Him: Well, two years ago I…
Me: Don’t really, though.
Wait…you said JAZZ hands? Oh god. I totally misheard you. Please get me a towel.
Holy Communion:
PRIEST:”This is the body of Christ. Take it ”
ME:”Uum,can I instagram it first?”
*We laughed & then I was excommunicated*
Browsing Prime this morning and clicked “Sort by Price: High to Low” like my life is some sort of rap video.
I feel sorry for all the responsible bulls out there minding their own business and just looking to buy some nice china.
I collect all cell phones and iPads from the kids at night and keep them in my room.
Last night those little ***holes all set alarms to go off at various times throughout the night.
I’m impressed with their ingenuity and team effort.
They’re all grounded.
No one talks to you on the bus when you’re shaking a box of Milk Duds that your head phones are plugged into.
i’m gonna start telling men i know a spot and it’s just me dropping them off at therapy
Hypnotist: you’re feeling very sleepy
Parents: omg yes
my favorite animals at the zoo are just the random birds walking around like they belong. Go home pigeon, this is fancy bird town
[presentation]
GUY WITH A COMBOVER NAMED IAN: So that’s our plan for the next year. Any questions?
ME: Why did you call your combover Ian?
I’m thru spelling thru “through.”
Enough is enuf.
Me: somebody stole my stapler
HR: you’re working from home
‘You’ll go to hell for that joke’
*in Hell
Me: What did you do?
Hitler: Genocide, what did you do?
Me: Dunno tweeted a joke
I don’t care how poorly they do, I’m giving my kids straight A’s cause I’m not repeating this shit again next year.
clark, the office penguin, raised his fin and voted “no” on implementing a “casual friday”.
waiter: “have we decided yet sir?”
me: [after practicing saying gnocchi to myself for 15 minutes] “the margarita pizza please”
Sometimes my southern accent sneaks out. Like just today I meant to say “You all” and instead I had sex with my cousin.
When I ask, “Is it genetic?” What I’m really asking is, “Can I blame my ancestors?”
About 68% of Americans believe the government is conspiring to hide information about extraterrestrials.
That number would be higher, but alien pods already have transformed 32% of the U.S. population into replicas of their former selves.
you play enough angry birds and you realize: the angry bird is you.
Somehow, going into The Dollar Store and asking for a price check just never gets old.