My wife: Don’t kiss me, your stubble hurts my face.
Also my wife: [has three facial exfoliants that contain sand, walnut shells and bamboo]
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He died doing what he loved
Making toast in the shower
Iron: you’re always trying to turn me into something I’m not!
Blacksmith:
What’s it called when you have decided to stop eating cold turkey sandwiches?
[after an argument]
me: *scribbling on a paper*
him: what’s that? what are you writing?
me: *filing it alphabetically in a box marked “People Who’ve Wronged Me”* oh nothing
I have a migraine and my stomach hurts. A fast food burger and fries should help.
That’s it. I’m no longer running to the store for any ingredients I forgot.
So tonight’s spaghetti dish will just have to do without
*checks list* spaghetti
Never underestimate the power of a hug. Or a slap upside the head. Whatever works.
Lackadaisical: when you have misplaced your daisical.
A guy just beeped for me to move from my parking spot and now I’ll be live tweeting from this spot for 3 more hours.
Donkey Kong Country: Tropical Freeze (2014)
beware of dog
(jukin media)
The receptionist at the doc’s office today kept pulling her mask down to talk to me and I-
Stairway to heaven vs highway to hell, sounds to me like being bad scores you wheels in the afterlife
The ancient Egyptians had strict burial requirements which may or may not have included being dug up & displayed in a museum years later.
I asked my wife one simple question and now she’s all like “Why do you want to know if llama fur is flammable?” I can’t tell her anything.
[Commercial for the Pogo Stick]
Have you ever seen the inside of an E.R.? Want to?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
Don’t “pshhh” me, you stupid bus.
I hate to get all religious on you but can I just have a minute of your time to talk about my air fryer?
*Condom Co*
[ok, don’t let them know ur a frog]
“Any ideas how we can make our condoms more pleasurable for her?”
ME: Ribbit
“Genius”
My daughter got upset when my cat killed a squirrel, so I talked about “the circle of life.” Which made her decide I needed to kill the cat.
“africanized killer bees” are trending so it’s a good time to mention that Killer Bees are literally an escaped scientific experiment gone wrong, like in the movies
I wore a baggy sweatshirt and leggings to Walmart and before I knew it, I was being wrapped in a blue vest while employees chanted, “One of us! One of us!”
NEWLYWED FRIEND: i just love him so much, i always want to be around him!
ME: you haven’t heard him eat cereal yet, have you
Her: Stop being absurd. Just be yourself.
Me: Make up your mind.
What I know about light:
-Cannot be eaten
-Unless…
-Maybe can be eaten?
-I definitely made an eating motion
-But I am not full?
-Try again?
-I bit my tongue
-Can hurt your tongue
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!
Shhh!-Librarians arguing
[sees man with a dracula tattoo] *whispers to self* vamp stamp
I wonder if my heating pad thinks I’m cheating on it when I sleep with my electric blanket.