LIFE – 3 out of 5 stars
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That worked out so much differently in my head.
– an autobiography
Ok, I know pandemics are bad … but have you ever run out of tequila?
me: I don’t need to write it down, I’ll remember
me 5 seconds later: oh no
COP: someone’s been cutting everyone’s christmas lights but not yours
ME: i have no idea why a crustacean- i mean person would do that
[my pet lobster Susan slowly puts her big pincer behind her back]
[in the car]
4yo: Can my window go down?
Me: It can. Would you like me to roll it down for you?
4yo: Roll?! Why did you say roll?
Me: *spends rest of car ride explaining window cranks
Life starts with everyone cheering when you poop and goes drastically down hill from there.
Friend: Just be generous and sophisticated
Me: Got it[Later]
Date: I’ll have a glass of wine
Me: No *winks at date and then looks at waiter* bring the whole box
How do I delicately tell my toddler that her birthday is actually 254 days away and not tomorrow like she says it is? With a cake? Maybe some balloons?? A few new toys wrapped in wrapping paper???
When a woman says she’ll be ready in 5 minutes, I know I have just enough time to fly to space & finish building my Death Star before we go.
If your kid complains about how bored they are during winter break put a cape on them and say, “Now you’re super bored!” and then fly away.
Me: “I poop when I’m nervous.”
Doctor: “How often does this occur?”
Me: “I’m extremely nervous right now.”
Social media: for when you want to fight with your kids on 3 platforms
[getting eaten by a snake] HELP THIS SLEEPING BAG IS EATING ME.
My smart friend just told a story about Scott and Zelda Fitzgerald and I nodded the whole time, thinking to myself “Yes, I recognize both of those names.”
My teen said my new shoes are dank, so now I need to google what that means and decide if I’m happy or mad.
Just got a job opening demanding 13-18 yrs of experience in iOS development.
Do they realize that the platform itself is 8 years old?
Welcome to your fifties,
Your bladder is now in charge of all life decisions.
It’s unfortunate that our feet can’t taste things because there’s so much potential in flavored socks and crocs.
[Bank]
COP: [through megaphone] LET ONE OF THE HOSTAGES GO
ROBBER: Okay, who wants out?
ME: [spinning on bosses chair] I’m comfortable.
Most people think Johnson was the brains behind Johnson & Johnson. But they’re wrong. It was Johnson.
Once again I feel like I slept in a washing machine.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
It’s a shock to me that people actually pay their student loans. That’s a bill I gave to Jesus
Therapist: So what are your coping mechanisms?
Me: I blame astrology for all of my problems in life instead of taking any responsibility.
Therapist: That’s not very healthy…
Me: Well, I’m an Aries, so 🤷♀️
My 2yo likes to “play bedroom” where she has me go lie down on my bed and then she closes the bedroom door and runs away. Actually one of the better games she’s come up with.
my mothers motherly urge to make sure you are eating no matter how full you are
and then suggest you lose weight
did you get the job?
“i don’t know yet”
when will they tell you?
interviewer: “keith can you please ask your mum to wait in reception”
A wedding is like inviting your family and friends to the dock to watch you leave England on the Titanic.
As I basted the turkey, I swear I heard it say “just not in my hair”
When you take your relationship with your Roomba to the next level.
Roombae.