Him: I’m a morning person
Me *scared of werewolves* w…what are you at night??
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My horny ass could NOT have a banana cleaner 😭
I’d be fine with a ghost in the house if each time a message in blood appeared on a wall it was something helpful like YOU’RE OVERCOOKING THE SALMON.
construction worker: [pulls lever to pour cement out of truck]
me: [tumbles out instead] i accidentally ate all your sidewalk pudding again
No one ever talks about what a flex it is when Yoda just gets tired of answering all of Luke’s questions and dies
[answers phone in crowded elevator] give me some good news…HOW contagious?
Bigfoot is real… or rather he was real and quite delicious.
Wife: We’re supposed to get 8-10 inches tonight. Me: That’s what she said. Wife: Can’t you do any better than that? Me: That’s what she said
Cop: was it you who stole all the anti-perspirant
Me: *not sweating*
Cop: well shit I don’t know how to read this
my boyfriend invited the neighbors over for dinner “sometime,” so now we have to move.
When this pandemic is over, I’m going to French kiss every escalator handrail at the mall
I always eat the whole pizza cause I don’t like to half love anything.
Too much work, not enough rich vampire boyfriend who cleans my house.
Twinkle twinkle little whore, close your legs they’re not a door.
White guy in horror movie: I think we should split up.
Me, antisocial: Solid move, Thad.
Me: I love you.
3yo: I love you
Me: Are you my big kid?
3yo: Yup
Me: Are you my sweet boy?
3yo: *thinking* No…just a big kid.
I can’t wait to jump on my kids’ beds at 5am on Mother’s Day, and holler “WHAT DID YOU GET ME?!?”
Based on my family’s hatred for vegetables and always throwing them in the garbage, I hope I’m never in a coma.
embracing tradition. boyfriend just went to dunkin (hunter) as i sit in bed finding funny tik-toks to show him later (gatherer)
I’m in awe of people who can pronounce camaraderie correctly the first, second or tenth time.
When people see ghosts, why aren’t they naked? Do clothes die and become ghosts too?
*gets hit by car*
me: it’s ok buddy can happen to anyone*friend says I’ll call you right back and doesn’t*
me: there can be no forgiveness for this
*walks in house wearing a large neck brace*
oh no, what happened?
“my earbud cord got caught on a chair while I was walking”
It’s fucked up that probably everyone believes their pets share their political views
me: [offering joint] wanna hit
giraffe:
me: nvm ur already high lol
[later]
scientist: we’ve never seen a giraffe eat a human before
Why is it called In N Out when the line is 10 miles long
A lady in Walmart told her son “PUT THAT SHIT BACK” so loud I almost put my shit back
Heard my dog talking to a chipmunk out on the deck, and I’m positive I overheard “nothing much, just getting some air, the whole place smells like wet human”
#ParentingFacts
Quit honking at me dammit, the stop sign is still red!
I luv putting on warm underwear straight out of the DRYER…
Plus, it’s fun to figure out who they belong to at the laundromat.