writer: you know how cats chase mice?
producer: yea?
writer: this one has a twist
producer: *leaning back* go on
writer: the mouse outsmarts the cat
producer: *slamming hands on desk* preposterous!
writer: i call it tom & jerry
producer: *wiping tears* those are my names
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me: [banging head on wall]
wife: honey is something wrong
me: [sobbing] I’M A SHITTY WOODPECKER
Pro Tip: Make sure you wear your Fitbit on your dominant hand so you get credit every time you lift an ice cream cone to your mouth.
I got fired from my job as a taxidermist for rolling my eyes.
My husband says nosy. I say strong investigatory skills.
I bet at least ONE of Leonardo DiCaprio’s friends has called him Leotard. Probably Mark Wahlberg…
By age 30 you should have a raccoon butler, a pet penguin called Terry, a 10 year old bully and a pair of Hulk hands used exclusively for speed dating.
tim apple: use iphone 14 satellite calling when you get stranded in the wilderness
me who hasn’t left my house in 2 years: I must have this
Scientists: we want to put a chip inside your brain.
Me: [thinking about Doritos™] I’m one step ahead of you.
This is one for those who have seen certain US TV commercials. 😂
Why would anyone get an ancestry DNA test for themselves? Such a waste of money.
*buys multiple Wisdom Panel DNA tests to see what breeds my dogs are.
I just went through the $10 carwash by myself without any kids and it was the best vacation I’ve been on in 4 years.
[shows up 2 hours late for interview]
Sorry I was trying to get out of a beanbag chair.
Waiter: Can I see your ID?
Me: I used to duct tape my discman so the AA batteries didn’t fly out.
Waiter: What would you like to drink?
Someone in the office keeps making decaf coffee & I’ve narrowed it down to that guy who never gets anything done.
date: you look nice
me: well you look very [peeks at thesaurus under the table]…ornate
My sunglasses are always prescription so if they’re stolen, it becomes two idiots who can’t see.
Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
Turbulence is when the airplane hits someone’s family photos backed up in the cloud.
hi welcome to my podcast “consciousness was a mistake” today we’re gonna take a nap together to demonstrate that being aware of reality is bad
[bedroom]
Me getting out whipped cream: I’ve been waiting for this
Gf: kinky, I like it
Me already eating pie: what
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*
*delivers baby*Nurse 1: I’m exhausted.
Nurse 2: I hate Labor Day.
*At restaurant trying to impress date*
Me: How are these prepared?
Waiter: The dinosaur chicken nuggets? In a microwave.
Me: Excellent.
I’ve finally stopped drinking for good.
And I’ve started drinking for evil.
My white girl power is ability to never putting more than $20 worth of gas in at a time.
Even death won’t stop my mom from criticizing me
Jesus, take the wheel!
*steering wheel disappears*
*car careens into tree*
[ice cream parlor]
WIFE: I’ll have two scoops of vanilla
ME: me too, u could say I want an
WIFE AND CLERK: please don’t
ME: ice cream clone
[first day as a fireman]
So you’re telling me my arms will not be shooting fire?
Every month my landlord sends an email letting me know that in these trying and uncertain times rent is still due on the first.