My main goal in life is to become a cooking show judge
Mostly because I like to criticize people while I eat
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Baby carrots were deprived from their mothers’ love and their childhood just to satisfy your hunger you vegetarian bastard. Good job.
[meeting my gf’s parents]
gf: just please be serious
me: ok
[later]
gf’s dad: sorry for the wait, dinner’s ready now
me: I DID MY WAITING
gf: oh no
me: TWELVE YEARS OF IT
gf: please
me: IN AZKABAN
I see stand-up comedy as a stepping stone to television. A few more paid gigs and I’ll be able to afford a television.
“I just cleared out some freezer space” sounds way more productive than “I just polished off a bag of tater tots”.
My boss bought a breathalyzer for our office because everyone comes back from lunch drunk. My personal best is .16
My Kids: Close enough
*what my kids must be thinking when they put away anything in our home
Ladies, if he’s
– always giving you one-word responses
– unsupportive when you’re visibly upset
– coming over unannounced in the middle of the night
– faintly tapping at your chamber doorHe’s not your man. He’s the Raven, nothing more.
I’m not saying I don’t like people… but if someone walks toward me in a library, I’ll plug my headphones into the book I’m reading.
Pushed together 3 piles of my wife’s clothes on the floor to vacuum and boy was that a mistake.
the first optimist who ever lived was the one who decided to open a coconut not knowing what was inside
God: you can climb trees, go on land and swim in water.
Snake: OMG, really?
God: pretty cool right!
Snake: you didn’t have to do all this!
God: it was nothing
Snake: so how fast can I run?
God:
Snake: I bet I can run really fast!
God:
Snake: so fast on my legs!
people will refuse to download tiktok because it’s a time suck but then spend four hours a day sending you reels on instagram that you saw on tiktok three months ago
I’m drawn toward women who are beautiful when they are angry because once we start dating that’s how they’ll look 90% of the time
My five year old keeps asking about our plans “over the holidays.” By “the holidays” she’s referring to her birthday next month.
Lost about 3 pounds in the last 10 mins
(shaved my back and shoulders)
Mother Paper Bag: We need to talk.
Teen Bag: *removes earbud* What?
M: Your father was plastic.
T: But –
M: It’s true. You’re a mixed bag.
I saw a product for cars today called “Rapid Odor Removal,” and everyone who buys it should be put on an FBI watchlist.
WEDDING SUPERSTITION: It is bad luck to get married.
Van Helsing: I’ve come to your village to hunt down the Wolfman
me: yeah, I’m aware…
Van Helsing: *loading a silver bullet* you’re a what?
It’s official… My voice is incapable of making, “Thanks. I appreciate that” not sound sarcastic.
1day I’ll be thankful my daughter is an independent iron willed human w/an unrelenting strong voice,but not today, not in this grocery store
I wonder what went down that day to make them put *NO heavy petting* signs up at the public swimming pool
I took away my 5 year-old’s iPad as he was somewhat uncouth during dinner last night, and now he is walking around the house yelling “Siri, tell me where you are!”
All these late nights solving solved crimes on forensic files is aging me.
A truck just flipped a dead squirrel onto my windshield and it’s stuck in my wiper.
I guess I don’t have to stop to get supper tonight.
[at the mall]
“Excuse me? I lost my son. Can I please make an announcement?”
“Of course.”
[leans in to mic]
“Goodbye you little shit.”
soft pretzels only come 2 ways:
– no salt
– enough salt to line a highway before a snowstorm
There are two types of people in this world:
1)People who tried to move an object with their mind at least once
2)Liars
My kids are young, so when they listen to old school music they think its new. They are currently listening to a hot new band called Queen.
Okay me first