Why is rage the only thing you hear about people seething with? Where are the people seething with happiness?
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Life is too short beautiful and unpredictable to not tell people how you really feel
Her: That’s so sweet, I-
Green Day is overrated
Her:
Spot cleaning is great because I just pick one spot to clean and then I’m done.
Pointed out my kids real dad to them at the car wash today. None of us are sure if I’m kidding.
Priest: so you want hear more about ‘the damnation’?
Beaver: yes please.
Going to church doesn’t make you a Christian any more than standing in a garage makes you a car…..
The Boomer bank robber got Botox and now he’s a smooth criminal
Boy: do u have any fantasies
Me: ok.. so.. the library of alexandria is under siege& Im a librarian whos good at fighting& I save the books
ME: I wish I could fix this problem
SOLUTION TO MY PROBLEM: Hey there-
ME: [avoiding eye contact] If only there was a way…
Password insecurity questions:
1. What was your highschool nickname? 2. How would you describe your breath? 3. What’s wrong with your toes?
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet.
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: ..
Me: ..
4yo: I don’t have any other feet..
Me: Fair enough.
When your internet goes out and you are forced to get to know your surroundings
[texting w/ my nana]
Me: hey! Mom told me you learned how to use emojis!
Her: I ❤️ murder
Me: well that’s kinda wei..
Her: I will 🔫 everyone
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Admit it, you’d eat a shoe if it were deep fried and covered in BBQ sauce.
FRIEND: i have this great new detox system
it’s all natural and actually works i swearME: is it your liver & kidneys?
i bet it’s your liver & kidneys
Irish I was a lil bit smaller. Irish I was a leprechaun baller. Irish I had a shamrock & a hat, & endless gold coins in a big black cauldron
one time i went to a guy’s house and he made me watch The Crow on DVD and then when it ended he restarted it from the beginning and i had to pretend my flatmate had been arrested so i could leave
There is a huge body of evidence to support the notion that me and the police were put on this earth to do extremely different things.
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
My wife says she can breakdown cardboard packaging for the recycling bin better than I can. I think I will just let her have that one.
No one has ever called me “daddy” in bed unless they had to throw up, pee, or wrecked a car.
I feel a bit deprived…….
You should ask her if she gained weight. That way she knows you’re paying attention to her.
Principal: about your son…
Dad: our son?
Mom: is he ok??
Principal: yes, yes. but you see, we’ve found that your son is cool. very cool. far too cool to have parents like you. [hits the intercom] Betty, please bring them in.
[Betty enters with cooler parents]
Me: “I keep looking for love in all the wrong places.”
*later at the abandoned mine*
Me: “Hello?! Would anybody like a date?!”
If a UFO silently mowed my lawn during the night, I wouldn’t say shit.
If you love someone don’t do anything. Just wait, see what happens. Maybe it will go away
I’m haunted by unanswered questions, like after the clock struck one and the mouse ran down, what happened next
[titanic, 1912]
Captain: what kind of lettuce do u want on your sandwich
First mate: ICEBERG
Captain: lol no need to shout, Dave
therapist: your chart says you identify as a narcissist?
me: no no, i said arsonist
therapist: ok great, I’ll correct that now
me: the best arsonist this world has ever seen