No YOUR addicted to correcting people’s grandma on the Twitter
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[tasting wine]
ah yes, good nose, medium bodied & saucy, racy acidity, robust tannins, hint of dark currant, but vodka still exists so literally none of this matters
And then one day we decided we were tired of sleeping in and doing whatever we wanted whenever we wanted in a clean house, and we had kids.
Date: so where do you see yourself in ten years?
Me: (remembering women like commitment) living happily with a wife (remembering women like mystery) whose murder remains unsolved
My toliet has a lifetime guarantee! I never have to buy another one. When I die, my kid will inherit the throne. It’ll be like Shakespeare!
Hostess: Are you staying for dessert?
Me: Oh no, I couldn’t. I’m too full. (ice cream dripping from my purse)
god has let me live another day and i’m about to make it everyone’s problem
Woah! I can move stuff with my mind. Like, my legs.
Remember you could bludgeon your enemy King with a wheel of cheese and eat the evidence.
Me: This date is going well
Her: Yes
Me: You look sexy as hell
Her: Thank you
Guy she’s on a date with: dude
Me: ok 2 pizzas coming up
I like how Band-Aids come in 2 varieties: Stays on For a Second Before Falling Off or Needs WD-40 For Removal From Skin.
People don’t disappear in the Bermuda Triangle like they used to.
Has anyone tried switching it off and back on again?
There’s never enough good news
Created by Jews, saves humanity.
Who, Jesus? No, dummy. Superman.
For the last time eating highlighters will not give you night vision
Have kids, so people who drink their own bath water can critique your cooking.
Cars come with warnings to check the back seat for babies now.
I always do and frankly, I’ll be lowkey terrified if I ever find one.
My Ponds Vanishing cream disappeared.
bank collapse? no worries here, all my money is tied up in the groceries i bought this weekend
The Tin Man carries around an axe because he is constantly afraid Ironman is going to hit on his wife.
How do you cut ancient Rome in half?
With a pair of Caesars
ME AT A PARTY: oh we’ve met? i’m sorry i’m bad with faces
ME WATCHING A MOVIE: ok that guy in the background is character actor james rebhorn who was in meet the parents, independence day, the talented mr ri
Sometimes I think my neighbor down the street has pretty good taste when it comes to suits, as I try one on. At other times I think he needs a better home security system
Girl dog: I’m into bad boys
Guy dog: [remembering his owner saying how much of a good boy he is] ..oh
Last week I made dinner for my husband’s boss and his wife. As a thank you, they sent me a gift certificate for cooking lessons!
Who’s the idiot that called it “The Wizard of Oz” and not “The Flair Witch Project”?
After bragging I could eat hot curry to be cool, the football Christmas dinner was at an Indian restaurant. I ordered the vindaloo, after a few minutes I was in tears. I grabbed my phone and pretended to take a call, standing up I said, “My dogs died” and walked out.
Those turkeys presidents pardon? HUGE campaign donors.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
You gotta ask people nowadays, are you single single, mad at your partner single, blocked single or single just in your head!!
me: so you’re representing that murderer who pushed those people off the cliff huh.
lawyer: i think you mean alleged.
me: it’s the same thing and don’t call me ed.