NOAH: whoa hold up, we already have two slugs
SLUG (wearing shell): no no, not slug *taps shell with eyeball* call me snail
NOAH: *narrows eyes* you look like a slug
SLUG: does the big guy know you brought your wife and kids?
NOAH:
SLUG:
NOAH: karaoke’s at 7
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I had dreams. I wanted to be the heiress on the terrace. Instead I’m the grouch on the couch.
For a place called a “holding cell” people sure hate to cuddle.
[hotel]
ME: No minibar?
BF: No.
ME: Or room service?
BF: You’re being extreme.
ME: *emerges in camouflage* We’re survivalists now, Gary.
Coworker to me: ” Why are you always rushing out of here after work? You’re single with no kids.”
Me: ” Exactly.”
Things that made my toddler cry this week:
– he couldn’t wear waffles to daycare
– I beat him in a race
– he beat me in a race
– pancakes had uneven distribution of chocolate chips
– he wanted his boogers backHow about your kid?
GUY WHO JUST INVENTED DOORS: Now it’s easy to get inside!
GUY WHO’S ABOUT TO INVENT LOCKS: But what if it’s *too* easy?
Flex on your party guests by requiring a CAPTCHA to flush
I applied to be a politician but the committee saw me return my cart at the grocery store and said no way
ME: Please, I beg you, just tell me the ingredients.
RECIPE SITE: Sure!
ME: Thank you.
RECIPE SITE: After I explain WHY I love these ingredients—
ME: *Whispers* No.
RECIPE SITE: —It was a crisp, fall evening, and I, a wide-eyed college student, was studying in Rome.
Got Fired by the Zoo for Teaching all the Sloths Tai Chi
Psychiatrist:
“Tell me about your kids.”Me:
“Total disappointments.”Psychiatrist:
“I still think this is a conflict of interest, Dad.”
Sure you can call me lazy but do you know how many days I HAVE gotten out of bed? Thousands
[being held hostage]
Me: this is nice
Kidnapper: what
Me: I love to be held
Paul Dano has his priorities and it kills me
The easiest way to burn fat is cremation.
My friend said his dog retrieved a ball he threw over a mile away. I don’t know, that seems pretty far fetched.
Ever miss somebody so much that you wonder why you became a sniper in the first place?
I don’t mean to brag but I’m pretty lonely for a girl with an extensive action figure collection AND a fear of rocking chairs.
I can’t listen to music with my headphones at the office. Apparently everyone doesn’t enjoy the way I sing out loud
Pressure washing is like regular washing but with a lot of yelling and tight deadlines.
Sad to see Kamala Harris drop out. I didn’t like her policies but she was the candidate most likely to build a RoboCop
Being hungry again a half hour after eating Chinese food isn’t about the food being Chinese, it’s about you being American.
Grandma’s funeral ft. Pitbull
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
If I got kidnapped I’d continuously sing Pitbull songs until they kill me, I’d die but at least they’d suffer too.
I have a special place in my heart. For blood and vessels and stuff.
Just try to look at your shoes the same way ever again,your welcome.
I was on a search party in the forest last night.
Bit of a boring party.
We found a dead guy though.
Dear Captchas,
I swear I’m not a robot, just really *really* stupid
*Meanwhile on a date*
Her: So what do you do?
Me: I’m a photographer.
Her: Wow, really?
Me: Yes. I picture us together.
*Slaps knee*