WIFE: We really need to think about sticking to our monthly budget
ME: *feeding my pet octopus a bag of emeralds* I agree
You Might Also Like
Have you heard about a new sport called Quiet Tennis?
It’s like regular tennis but without the racket.
Any walk can be a walk-of-shame when you’re an adult wearing Crocs™
Dear Televised Sports Injury,
We saw it the first time.
Thanks.
Apparently, saying “make it a double” followed by an awkward wink doesn’t work at the pharmacy.
Baby showers are so weird.
It’s like “hey, congrats on having a functional reproductive system”.
Someone I have known for 15 years, just completely ignored me in the grocery store. This is the best day ever.
Naked and Afraid but it’s just me, on the couch, wondering if it’s safe to bite into my Hot Pocket
Dating tip: don’t mention your time as a Boy Scout, let your sash full of badges do the talkin.
The doctor said I’m addicted to meat but I said surely it can’t do any ham?
I lost my composure in 1992. I haven’t seen it since.
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
Paint me like one of your French girls….
With a big fat croissant in my mouth
If you ever hire workmen for anything, it’s CRITICAL you sniff their armpits at the end of the day to make sure you got your money’s worth.
Dear websites I don’t give a shit what you do with my cookies right now
Her: I have a funeral to go to but I don’t have a date yet.
Me: Aw, you can’t go alone?
She meant the date of the funeral.
I know that now
Can’t, waiting for the DIY instructions on how to make ventilators from cauliflower.
Allegedly naked and not afraid to dance in front of a large crowd.
Unrelated: Ambien is not candy.
wife: I wish you’d stop bringing your work home with you
Dr Frankenstein: he has a name
wife: DOES HE
Me: Just wanted to let you know I named my car after you.
Friend: That’s so sweet, but why?
Me: Because you’re also a wreck.
PILLOW: Hey, your anniversary is today, go buy her some flowers
ME: Wow, thank God for memory foam
saw five goats walking on their hind legs through the woods, is that bad
Alfred: *placing pancakes in the shape of the Bat Signal* Here are your pancakes, Master W-
Bruce: They’re Batcakes Alfred. Say “Batcakes!”
My 7 year old has been asking a lot of questions this Christmas season and I’m worried that it might be the last year he believes that Bitcoin is real.
16 yo me: *about to take math final* You got this.
26 yo me: *about to run a marathon* You got this.
36 yo me: *about to start a movie after 8pm* You got this.
My son got hungry so I gave him a snack. His teacher is gonna say how he can’t eat and before I knew it, I yelled from the kitchen “Girl, he is at home honey!” & then there was silence…….
Carl: Gonna be a hot one today.
Me: Tell me something I don’t know.
Carl: Male ostriches can roar like lions.
Me: Fair enough, Carl.
When libraries troll their patrons.
Me: *slowly retracts hand from cereal box after failing to grasp the free toy*
Wife: you really need to stop pretending to be a claw machine
Me: *swallows yet another quarter* why
Once my husband had me watch a video of “the most amazing guitar player ever,” and I patiently watched in silence until the video was over before disclosing that I had dated the guy. It was an awesome moment.
I feel this so hard