Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
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[during sex]
me: hurt me
him *makes me a peanut butter sandwich using crunchy peanut butter*
I asked the bookstore employee where the self help section was. She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose.
I was thinking about how the cat seems to spend nearly all day in my bed. Maybe from her perspective it’s her bed and I just take the night shift.
Where do I see myself in five years? *kicks feet up on desk* Sir, does my resumé list “psychics abilities” under skills? No. Next question.
My girlfriend wanted to swap positions in bed. So I told her I have a headache and went to sleep.
*my cat meowing at my bedroom door for me to open it*
Meow meow meow meow meow meow meow meow
ME: *opens door*
You wanna come in?CAT: lol, no
I want to be 14 again so I can ruin my life differently. I have new ideas.
5: I’m going to hide my toys in this drawer.
Me: That’s where they go. It’s called “putting things away.”
If you are a turkey right now and someone offers to cut off your head, stuff you full of dressing, and cook you, do not do it. It is a trap.
A small toddler is the closest thing you can have to a Pokémon. It follows you around, you love it dearly, no one else can understand what it’s saying, and it is obedient only when it wants to be. The main difference is that training it to fight other toddlers is frowned upon
Forgot my glasses so I’m pointing at a random spot on the menu and hoping for the best
Funny Quote of the Day: “If your parents never had children, chances are… neither will you.” – Dick Cavett
Fun Fact:
Organic milk only comes from cows that do yoga and moo about being a vegetarian or marathons they were in.
My daughter is angry that I won’t let her eat icicles hanging off our house, like I’m some kind of monster for denying her a gutter sucker.
I’m so hungry I could Instagram a horse.
Bedroom door opens.
Dog comes in.
Bedroom door closes.My wife’s way of saying “She’s your dog” without saying a word.
“You have nice eyes”
– boring
– unoriginal
– she’s probably heard it a million times“Jeepers, creepers, where’d ya get those peepers?”
– musical
– invites a dialogue
– reminiscent of a better time, before World War II
– could yield info on where to acquire good peepers
When you write a scene that finally fixes that one plot hole.
You can’t have your cake and thigh gap too.
My 4YO said, “did you know some 10 year olds still have moms that are alive?” and I don’t know if this is just a random observation or a veiled threat.
dads on road-trips be like
Scurrying around in your socks, holding your beltless trousers up: airport security is like a weird, brief slumber party in the middle of the day with a bunch of strangers.
Thank you for the opportunity but I don’t think being human is a good fit for me. I’m going to go back to school to become an octopus
How about I get 100% off by already being there
I’m so glad we could finally reconnect after all these years because I’d really like your help on my virtual farm.
[dj voice] “Make some noise, Dad Party!”
*dads go nuts*
“Whatcha wanna hear, I’m taking requests”
[in unison] HI TAKING REQUESTS I’M DAD
[At home school reunion]
“And Sasha bought a new cat, her name is Mittens.”
“Mom I know, you told me yesterday.”
Apparently, “over-the-counter medication” doesn’t mean climbing over the counter at the pharmacy and helping yourself.
Me: I won’t let anything control me!
My bladder: Lmao