I’m completely naked under all this pizza.
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No one is in denial more than a mom who brings a book to the pool
I’m gonna nail horseshoes on my nikes and gallop behind joggers
“Your résumé says you’ve been to prison?”
Me: Sorry, that’s a mistake
“So you haven’t?”
Me: I have, I just didn’t mean to put it on there
Netflix: Are you still watching?
Me: Yes.
Netflix: Have you showered today?
Me: Um, I …
Netflix: And use soap this time.
How do I nicely tell my dog he’s gained 15 pounds during Covid?
I cannot believe all of these people are out!
-Me when I’m out
i bet there’s a couple seconds on that medieval torture stretcher rack where it feels incredible
What no one in the congregation expected was a reverse rapture that left everyone naked watching their clothes float away.
There are two types of people: those who love terrible puns, and those who are no pun.
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Him: 🎶 In the jungle the mighty jungle the lion sleeps tonight. 🎶
Her: Please don’t sing to it when you are down there
birds: it’s peaceful this morning
birds: maybe too peaceful
birds: let’s all scream at once
Wow, your teeth are white.
Thanks. I’m just curious, what color were you expecting?
Sorry, I don’t think I can hang out this weekend, my 4-year-old is still telling a joke
Indiana Jones: why does it have to be snakes
Ron Weasley: why does it have to be spiders
me: why does it have to be family get-togethers
Don’t forget to contemplate the meaning of life while standing in the cycle lane with your car door wide open today.
I can’t wait til there’s a chalk outline filter
If you’re trying to console someone who has a tattoo with their ex’s name on and they just broke up, don’t say ‘haha that’s tattoo bad.’
Dude is texting with a flip phone, just like George Washington did
There’s been a fire at London Zoo. Apparently two stick insects were having sex and it all got out of control.
INTERVIEWER: What would you say is your greatest weakness?
ME: Well, for starters, I’m unemployed.
Told my husband the best way to get help at Home Depot is to wear yoga pants, but I dunno. It doesn’t seem to work as well for him.
The Titannic: Be gentle, it’s my first time.
Iceberg: Okay, just the tip.
Chief cop: “This might be racially motivated.”
Ian: “Hate crime?”
Chief cop: “We all hate crime, Ian. That’s why we are cops.”
As parents we have to make sacrifices all the time. Today I had to eat my kid’s ice cream because she couldn’t finish it.
A teenage girl trying to find the right t-shirt, is far more decisive than me in front of 10 different sandwiches
Cooking is easy if you’re single as long as you have a mom, leftovers and a microwave.
Got arrested at the farmers market for taking a leek.
dishonorable discharge? you mean a yeast infection
Hear me out:
Brunch where pajama attire is required.