My husband hates sex so much he left on a two week business trip. Three weeks early!
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My cat just brought me my purse and car keys not sure what he’s trying to tell me.
WHEN CATS ARE SAD
Bartender: What’ll ya have?
Cat: Shot of rum.
[Bartender pours it]
[Cat slowly pushes it off the bar]
Cat: Another.
It’s almost bikini season! Do I need a licence or can I just shoot them as I see them?
Telling a woman to get back in the kitchen is a weird insult to lob on Twitter. We can still tweet from kitchens. We have wifi & data plans.
My niece looks like me. She sometimes rolls her eyes or makes faces the way I do. And my brother said he can’t believe he has to grow up with me twice.
Me: *high af* omg is this an intervention
Wife: no it’s your birthday
waiter: would you like anything else ma’am?
me: yes please, a box for the leftovers that I will most definitely leave here on the table.
Next time you see someone you don’t like, begin conversation with “I see the assassins have failed.”
Brain: no
Heart: yes
Foot: don’t ask me I’m a foot
sometimes I throw random produce into my basket at the grocery store so I don’t look like an 8 year old who just got an advance on their allowance
*eats pizza out of box in bed
*falls asleep
*wakes up next to leftover pizza
Voila! Breakfast in bed!
Meet me in the bedroom.. bring the gravy boat.
Don’t make this weird…
boss: this company is more profitable than ever
me: how about a raise?
boss: sorry i have to take this call
me: your phone isn’t ringing
boss: [fakes heart attack]
How come mimes never imagine being in bigger boxes?
[first date]
OK don’t let her know you’re a snail
Waiter: Would you like some salt?
[flips table over] OH HELL NO [bolts out real slowly]
“Is it weird that my boxers are longer than my shorts?”
15: Dad, I want to live at mom’s now
[being strapped to a medieval torture table]
“tbh not what I thought you meant when you said you were going to show me a nice rack”
I’m sorry I snort-laughed when you were saying your vows.
Dam, girl. What did you think I was building?
– Beaver
[murder trial]
LAWYER: So you unplugged your wife’s life support for five minutes?
COMPUTER TECH: Sometimes that works.
[stepping out of time machine]
me: well i sneezed on a dinosaur but hopefully the butterfly effect wasn’t too severe
giant butterfly in lab coat: you mean the human effect
Dad: My head hurts, it feels like wrongdad.
Son: What’s wrongdad?
Dad: I told you, my head hurts.
Son: This is why mom left.
*staring directly into the sun* is this meditation am I meditating
professor x: what’s your power?
me: i’m at 6%
professor x: oh yeah you can definitely use my charger
They probably killed the first few people whose eyes turned red in a photograph before they realized it wasn’t any demon stuff.
My future soulmate & lover out there praying that I don’t find happiness with anyone but her, your prayers being answered!!
Shakespeare: shall I compare thee to a summer’s day?
Me: sure
Shakespeare: okay. summer’s day > you
First Date RED FLAGS:
He brings a bottle of his mom’s perfume and asks you to put some on
Might fornicate around and use a thesaurus
Katy Perry is such an inspiration to all those young girls out there who want to grow up and ride giant golden tigers.