EVERYBODY WHO MAKES ACTION MOVIES: We should have all the actors talk really quietly so people turn the volume way up right before an explosion.
You Might Also Like
My anchor tattoo is so realistic I can’t get out of the bathtub.
One advantage of looking creepy is people tend to avoid conversations with you.
Just did a seductive hair flip and an onion ring flew out.
I lost my voice.
If whoever finds it could resume screaming at my ex-husband, that would be much appreciated.
The only acceptable C word for describing women is Confident.
Cunts love it when you call them that.
Microsoft threatens to resurrect Clippy as an Office emoji
me: are you checking me out
librarian: yes
Friend: Here, eat this molten ball of sugar that will definitely burn your mouth
Me: No way
Friend: what if I sandwich it between graham crackers and put a small peice of Chocolate inside?
Me: Yes, that sounds delightful
I’ve already broken all my resolutions and like 4 commandments.
*Dresses up as a large butter knife
Im a super spreader
im more than just a birth year and a death year so my tombstone will instead be engraved with a handful of random years i remember enjoying
I don’t wanna brag, but I am definitely the drunkest guy at the bottom of my neighbors pool.
[Married pillow-talk]
Husband: What’s your deepest fantasy?
Me: That when our kids eat dinner they don’t leave any crumbs under the table.
My dad’s handwriting makes a pharmacist look like a calligrapher.
Me: I don’t think I can handle any more stress or challenges in my life.
Universe: Hold my beer.
Them: What would you do with a million dollars?
Me: Pay off student loans.
Them: And with the rest?
Me: lol “the rest.”
Every time someone with a clown avi follows me I add another night light.
Always look both ways before crossing a woman.
me: i wish i could go live in the woods
my phone: your screen time was up 34% this week for a daily average of 7 hours
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Because I’m a loving wife I got my husband some chocolates for Valentine’s Day and because I’m his wife I ate all of them.
When I was a kid I thought shrimp cocktails had alcohol in them and I thought it was such a weird way to get drunk
Zooey Deschanel always looks like she’s been shown a card trick
I tried that whole “if you love something, set it free” thing but my kids are still here.
I think my daughter is starting to take a dim view of Santa because she’s asking things like “can the elves leave if they want” and “does he help make toys or does he just sit there”
I’m on a walk with my 4 year old. There’s not another person in sight. I’ve tapped her on her far shoulder three times already and each time she’s stopped, turned around, and looked confused as hell. We’ve still got a long walk ahead–I’m going to go for the world record.
I’ve got an adidas tracksuit just in case I gotta whack someone.
Someone at work just yelled “go team” so I reported her for creating a hostile work environment.
Me: You’re kidnapping me? Where’re we going? Can we feed my cats first? Is there a ransom? Cool van. My name-
Him: Changed my mind. Get out.
I’m starting an emu farm and calling it ‘no fly zone’ so the birds don’t feel bad.