Kids won’t remember they have homework but they’ll remember you promised them Robux if they did their chores for the whole month
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I didn’t use toothpaste when I was young and naive, because I didn’t want my teeth sticking together. As a much wiser adult, I still don’t want my teeth sticking together.
I’m at my most potato when I’m twice-baked
you should always wash your sheets once a week in case they are really ghosts and need a shower
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Just texted her “thanks for choking on me” I meant “checking” but kinda curious what the response is gonna be.
Ah, quarantine. But first, I will meet up with 500 people at the grocery store to fight over beans.
Take it from me
Yellow crayons are no substitute for cheese
“I’m gonna put this somewhere safe” is an ancient incantation that opens a portal to a random point in another timeline, through which all safely kept things travel, never to be seen again.
CEO of KFC: “We must always respect our customers. That is so important.”
Ian: “Shall we still serve them food in a bucket?”
CEO: “Yes.”
“Oh. My. God.” – the first duck to eat bread.
Thanks for your advice, everyone. It was terrible and almost got me killed. But thanks.
Dwayne Johnson cornered me outside a Hallmark store and now for 20 minutes I’ve been stuck between a Rock and a card place
When gearing up for a mountain climbing adventure it is important to remember to no.
me: if i follow them, will i see their tweets?
Twitter: absolu-
Twitter algorithm: no.
Baby Lawyer: Did you steal the victim’s nose?
Accused: No. *cries into palms
Baby Judge: O, great, he’s disappeared again.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
Is ChatGPT my father in law because it keeps making stuff up and passing it as fact
[on a date]
I’ve got butterflies in my stomach
“that’s so cute. You dont have to be nervous”
[flashback to me eating some butterflies] ok
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
I’m just not cool enough for a scooter, I moped.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Found a new worse version of saying “thanks, you too” to the hoyts worker who says “enjoy the movie” – hairdresser says “what do you do?” and i answer then say “what about you”
will somebody tell my friend its spelled “gif” not “gf” and its not special that he has one, i have like 400 on my computer
Ladies, it’s 2019. Don’t wait for a guy to call you. Be proactive. Text him. Find your mutuals on FB to message. Kidnap his entire family and don’t release them until he goes on a second date.
I accidentally discovered how to cook the perfect amount of pasta and had to sign a confidentiality agreement with Italy
Paul is coming over tonight
Paul smith or Paul who puts ketchup on everything?
[car pulls into driveway covered in ketchup]
Aladdin is my favourite movie about lying to a girl to make her fall in love with you
The airport called it a “moving walkway” but I felt zero emotions whatsoever.
if evolution doesn’t exist explain pokémon to me.
So a baby crawls across the floor to its bottle and it’s cute but when I do it I’m “in need of an intervention”?