Sorry I can’t pay for a new car right now, I’m still paying off a Naked Juice I bought in 2014
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IKEA employees are just the souls of previous shoppers that couldn’t find the exit
“Now, tilt your head and give me total scumbag!” – Realtor headshot photographer
Asking for her hand in marriage means something entirely different if your name’s Frankenstein.
ORANGUTAN ADOPTS THREE TIGER BABIES
I’m going to take all of your tweets that make absolutely zero sense and combine them to make a Red Hot Chili Peppers song
The ending of platonic relationships is way harder because it’s someone looking at your personality alone and being like no thanks
“Um, Jim…”
“What?”
“That’s not a log.”
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
We had 3 kids, I don’t remember their names and they somehow find us even after we move
Her: Isn’t she your girlfriend?
Me: No, No, No, I broke up with her two days ago. She just hasn’t checked her voice mail yet…
Unsolved mysteries, cat edition
Him: Hey girl, what that mouth do?
Me: Mostly complain. Sometimes binge eat. I also get these weird sores that – wait, where are you going?
DOCTOR: To cure your blue skin condition, you must immerse your entire head in this vat of chemicals
GUY ABOUT TO BECOME SKELETOR: Sounds crazy but okay
How long past date can I eat eggs like are they still good or am I naming them now
In alcohol’s defense, i’ve done some pretty dumb shit while completely sober too.
In the lobby of an office building in Toronto. I guess to make sure employees are flooded with resentment the instant they walk in the door?
[Disney Pitch Meeting]
Writer: So kids love puppies
Exec: Haha true
Writer: This movie is about skinning alive 101 of them
Exec: First off, it’s perfect
list of casinos I need to burn down in order to prevent my credit score from going to the dogs: ceaser palace, trump cube, chuck e cheese,
Haters gonna hate
Alligators gonna alligate
Waiters gonna wait
Jet Fuel can’t melt steel beams
Potatoes gonna potate
One time an intruder broke into my house and got scared off by the old high school wrestling trophies I still have on display.
BOOK FACT: If you took every book in our store and laid them end to end you would be thrown out by security and banned from returning.
You ever been talking to someone and go to lean on a wall that’s like 3 inches further away than you thought
her: so do you have air conditioning
me: no, only fans
prisoner: [wakes up half drunk] where am i
sheriff: bad news pal you’re in jail
prisoner: i can see that but where
sheriff: mississippi
prisoner: ok now that is bad news
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person sleeping beside you and feel glad to be alive?
I just did and I won’t be allowed on this airline again
Ice cream cones are for when you would rather eat the bowl than wash it.
It’s been 536 days, 5hrs 16min since I’ve spoken to my ex, so clearly I’ve moved on.
*wearing an apron and oven mitts*
This is an old family recipe
*I take a bag of M&Ms out of the freezer*
My insurance agent just told me that I’m “high risk” to insure on account of me getting stuck in dryers on a regular basis
How dare my wife accuse me of not helping her at home when I washed the dishes without her asking, just 6 months ago.