Mad Max: Furry Road
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[haunted house]
FRIEND: you scared???
ME: not because of this haunted house, but yes
“the names bond, james bond”
[5 min later]
STARBUCKS BARISTA: i gota frappe for borbjorbple
A Tinder type app, but it matches you with sandwiches.
Me: It’s a hat store, but on the blonkchain
*Investor hands me $30 million*
Investor: Wait … did you say “blonkchain”?
Me: *runs*
So aliens build high-tech spacecraft & travel thousands of light years just to give random people colonoscopies?
There was a spider in the shower this morning, and now my neighbours know I scream like a cat about to crest a roller coaster’s first drop.
Me: Don’t you get sick of playing the same video game for hours on end?
Son: No.
Me: *hasn’t looked up from Twitter feed in 12 years* that’s so weird.
Me: I got you a Butler to help out around the house.
Wife: I specifically said do not get me a Butler.
Me: sorry man, she’s not interested.
Gerard Butler: [sadly] very good Sir.
Me: Goddamn this mac and cheese is crunchy
Wife: You’re supposed to cook it
Man to Psychiatrist; Dr I’m very depressed, all my 3 sons want to grow up and want to be valets.
Psychiatrist; This is the strangest case of Parking sons disease I’ve come across.
It’s hilarious when movies are like, “you will get training for 2 or 3 months and be the greatest fighter who has ever lived.”
[fast food management]
“All dipping sauces go into a plastic container.”
“What about ketchup?”
“Use a tiny pouch impossible to open without getting half of it on your fingers.”
[restaurant]
WAITER: are you ready to order
DAD: i’ll have the rabbit stew
WAITER: only if you promise not to say “waiter there’s a hare in my soup” after i bring it
DAD:
WAITER:
DAD: i’ll have the chicken
Today I cleared cache and deleted cookies without making nom nom nom cookie monster noises. Because I’m a grown up.
Jk. SNACK TIME! NOM NOM NOM
Bake a cake with rum and no one bats an eye… Bake brownies with laxatives and everybody loses their shit!
My girlfriend said she bought the lingerie for me, but then got upset when I put it on… I dont get women.
Ladies, he’s not working late. He’s trying to steal the declaration of independence. Stay woke
Just got a lecture about fiscal responsibility from my teenagers about my inflatable hot tub purchase so guess who won’t be allowed in my new inflatable hot tub?
Losers.
Medium: You want to contact your late husband?
Me: Yes.
Medium: How do you intend to pay for this?
Me: OMG it’s him.
If we’re in a horror movie and you tell me to run, it’s already too late for me.
Picking a Xmas gift for your wife is hard, so I’ve decided to deplete our bank account, fake my own death & move to Thailand
She’ll love it
My boss told me to start every presentation with a joke. The first slide was my paycheck.
Google “cat”. Tap paw.
– just do it!!
[starts noticing lots of famous people are younger than I am]
Me: oh no
[robbing a bank]
Partner: let’s go we’re running out of time
Me: *furiously shoving lollipops in a duffel bag* almost done!
INSPECTOR: do you use growth hormones?
ME: our cows are completely organic
*ground trembles & alarms flash*
ME: Oh no! Steakosaurus Rex has escaped!
If I had to describe this trip to the mall, it’d be Blood Bath & Beyond.
*whispers to an avocado*
“I’m the good kind of fat, too.”
An unexpected perk of having pets is when the cat throws up on the couch; the dog jumps in to handle the cleanup.
*puts baby powder in a crib*
*adds water*