I know exactly how President Obama feels. Every time my kids are forced to listen to me, they make angry Republican faces.
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The first rule of fight club is to ask her, “Is that what you’re wearing?”
*Makes joke on Twitter*
*5 Retweets*
*Makes same joke on Facebook*
*Loses job, girlfriend leaves me, disowned by parents, 1 Like*
As a kid: I hope to one day cure diseases and be an Olympic swimmer.
Me as an adult: I hope to one day finish a bottle of shampoo and conditioner at the same time.
My mom always used to give me a card on Valentine’s Day when I was a kid. She stopped doing it when we broke up.
I say elections should be decided with an old fashioned game of dodge ball.
I know Pluto isn’t a planet you moron. Pluto’s a dog.
I pronounce it liberry but I also call them bo-oks so people have a choice on which one makes them angrier
i feel like if the avengers were real we’d really really hate them
Parents be like “why aren’t you eating, don’t you like my food?” and after you eat a ton, they’ll say “you look a little chubby, maybe you should eat less.”
inflation so bad the sorting hat had to get another job
Interviewer: Tell me your convictions
Me: Arson, 5 years. I burnt down my office
Interviewer: I mean like ‘firm beliefs’
Me: Company loyalty
H: You look nice.
Me: I’m meeting one of my Twitter friends today.
H: So you want your picture on the evening news to be a nice one?
Me: Yep
Dog: Oh the car! I love the car! The car takes me to the dog park! I love the dog park! *pants* I’m so excited I could pee myself!
*pulls up at the vet’s*
Dog: hey, wait a minute…
It’s nice that lions don’t mind looking like 80’s rock stars.
Lawyer: I’d like to introduce my star witness
Astronomer: Hello
Dean Martin: When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie
Neil deGrasse Tyson: I don’t even know where to begin with this
If you are what you eat I’m a small family of ladybugs 🙂
” So the boat was about to sink until I attached a sail to my boner and made it safely to shore”
Me if I was on the Titanic.
They say that sex is the best form of exercise.
Correct me if I’m wrong but I don’t think 2 minutes and 15 seconds every 3 months is going to do much for that beer belly.
I follow funny people on Twitter because according to the police, doing it in real life is not appropriate.
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
How I handle confrontation:
Them: Aimee!?
Me: *falls to the ground*
*does the worm*
Beyonce is a great actress because there is no way she has the time or energy to have the kind of sex she sings about.
According to WebMD, people are Sick & Tired of me
The speed walking event just looks like a group of people hurrying to get somewhere to take a shit.
Friends that check up on you >
Me: Then the robber came through the door holding a gun
Cop: Was it a revolver?
Me: No he just pushed it open and walked through like normal
The inventor of predictive text has died.
His funfair will be hello on Sundial.
5-year-old: *walks up behind me when I’m on the computer* What game are you playing?
Me: Pay the bills.
5: Are you winning?
Me: No.
You never truly appreciate Newton’s laws of motion until you’ve sneezed while going to the bathroom.