I love how ‘voice to text’ is always so a carrot
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Self-checkout is great right up until you move one item prematurely and it freezes the whole system and calls an employee over and you go “I don’t know what I did,” and they say, “It’s all good,” and then scan the magical piece of paper hanging around their neck that unlocks it.
I packed a picnic lunch. Meet me by the abandoned ferris wheel at Chernobyl. I’ve heard glowing reviews.
Science can’t explain it, but some hairs can grow up to a quarter inch overnight. Never in a good spot though
A great way to get a cw to stop talking to you permanently is to start clipping your toenails in the middle of their story
Based on their level of excitement, bros in beer commercials seem unaware that you can pretty much buy beer anywhere.
Me, looking for my phone: *calls it 5 times*
Me, finding my phone: Wow! I have 5 missed calls.
A sudden wind kicked up leaves and spun the rooftop weathervane, meaning somewhere in town two witches brought the same spinach dip to coven meeting AGAIN.
God: But if you use your sting you will die.
Bee: That will teach us not to abuse our power. How did the wasps take that news?
God: Err…
wife: What happened to your face!? Did you get in a fight?
[flashback to me trying to buckle my toddler in his car seat]
me: Yes
[intercom]
Please stop putting clown shoes on the sacrificial goat. The ritual is in 3 days & the other cults aren’t taking us seriously.
I haven’t been this confused about what’s going on since The Cranberries yodeled that one song about zombies.
Jeff Golblum playing a Star Wars producer: hmmmlaser swords you say? Mmm hmmm ha ha ha, okay, but here’s the thing I want there to be a small frog man to have one of those …laser swords? do I have that right? yeah
[God making raccoons]
GOD: I want a goth red panda
ANGEL: so like… a regular panda
GOD: no, make it small
ANGEL: okay
GOD: [taking bong rip] … and good at shoplifting
I hope my family appreciates the irony when I choke to death on one of these enormous daily multi-vitamins.
“I’m a very private person” – people who are on back to back reality shows
What they say: “Hey, have you lost weight?”
What they mean: “Hey, I remember you being a lot fatter. What gives?”
Me: I can’t find my straight jacket.
Him: Please stop calling your sports bra that.
My dog, every day, brings out a shoe, a shoe of mine in my current shoe rotation, and won’t let it go until I give her a bully stick. It’s extortion!
quick somebody give me a grocery to buy. I absolutely cannot walk out of this store with just cucumbers and coconut oil.
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
an article: “young people”
me (hasn’t been young in a very long time): ah they mean me
Please stop saying that a problem is a “real pickle.” Pickles are delicious, store well, and have zero calories. You are a problem. Pickles are fine.
[explaining the plot of my favorite book to my date]
me: so you know how most caterpillars are only a little hungry?
God making women: make them sexy and sophisticated but also confusing to operate.
Angel: soooo like an espresso machine?
Why’s it called Death On The Nile and not Murder She Boat
I’m pretty sure when Kenny Rogers said we gotta know when to fold em, he was talking about slices of pizza
Me: Hey, am I too wrinkly?
Child: You’re old, it’s expected.
Me: I MEANT MY SHIRT.