I think the ideal solution to my problems would be for me to get tenure. I don’t know exactly what tenure is but I think it could really turn things around for me.
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learn to swear in every language by watching the world cup at your local bar
Bruce Willis: There are four elements, right?
Producer: Go on…
Bruce: What if there was a FIFTH element
Producer: Love it
Bruce: Ok, you know there are five senses…
[Half an hour later]
Producer: Please, I have a family
Bruce: So what if there were TWELVE monkeys?
ME: I have crab like reflexes
DAD:I think you mean cat like reflexes
ME: [sitting in pot of boiling water] what
*driving my date to the ER*
I told you my possum doesn’t like direct eye contact. This one is on you.
I can still remember that one New Year’s Eve when I had too much to drink and peed in my neighbor’s bushes ten minutes ago
It’s complicated.
-My response when someone asks if they can have one of my beers.
Can’t, busy teaching a toddler gang signs.
*flagging down passing pizza delivery vehicle*
I’LL PAY YOU TWICE WHAT THEY WERE GOING TO PAY YOU
By the power vested in me by my credit card, I now pronounce you my new fluffy hat. You may now hug my head.
MURDER HORNET: 2020 is my year
BRAIN-EATING AMOEBA: hold my contaminated tap water
[First Date]
I’ll have a turkey burger. No bun, please.
[Second Date]
*just goes straight up Pac-Man on the basket of garlic rolls*
Don’t “psh” me, Coca Cola I just opened.
merlin: whoever pulls the sword from the stone is the true king
arthur: oh, this sword?
merlin: by my beard.. what is your first order, my liege?
arthur: table
merlin: what?
arthur: [right in his face] and that shit better be a circle
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
The only thing I miss about going to the movies is smuggling in an entire 4 course meal
I need to stay vigilant while venturing into the ocean this week.
Sharks be looking at me like “I can get three meals out of him.”
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
Buys new collar for my dog. It’s too big! Apparently he thinks it’s jewelry and won’t let me take it off.
You look like the kind of person who would hit rock bottom and then start drilling.
Soda bread tastes so good after I remove 200 raisins from each square inch of bread.
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
I hate when I’m running on the treadmill for half an hour and look down to see it’s been 4 minutes.
In an effort to demonstrate how pointless internet debates are, please prove to me that snow is real
I didn’t take my husband’s name when I got married. I figured it’d be confusing if we were both called Keith.
My daughter is crying because she can’t be a hamster.
A snow angel, except a floor covered in puppies.
“We’re promoting you to Anchor”
Reporters: 🙂
Sailors: 🙁
The ghost of the little girl who haunts my house was scary at first, but now she mainly just practises her french braids on us while we sleep. I don’t mind. I’m starting to get compliments from my coworkers. The dog has never looked more glam
I wish I was the morning person whichever one of my personalities makes 7am appointments believes I am.
*wakes at 3am*
*sits in dark*
*jingles chains & scratches walls*
*waits for everyone to be so creeped out they can’t sleep & we open gifts*