When someone talks about fallen arches I never think of feet.
I assume they’re referring to the decline of the Roman Empire or a freak accident at the local McDonald’s.
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*Rubs a Sausage Egg McMuffin on my wrists and behind my ears*
‘Sup
[at the pub]
I could survive for six days with everything in the pockets of my cargo shorts.
Her: Quit talking to me
Writing “and eat it” at the bottom of my neighbors’ little “pick up your dog’s poop” yard sign
My 6yo carried our Google Home Mini around the house all day asking it question after question to the point where I found it locked in the bathroom crying with a glass of wine.
Me: I didn’t get the job.
Wife: Why not?
M: Something about my eyesight.
W: What EXACTLY did they say?
M: That I needed ‘adult supervision’.
Halloween cuteness.. 🎃
🎥 IG: mr.smokey21
“I believe I can fry” – R Kelly filling out McDonald’s application
Neighbor’s newborn won’t stop crying. Typical Taurus.
I’m no well-mannered seagull but I think they chose the wrong picture
[goes back to Target just for the things I forgot]
cashier: that’ll be $337.48 and can you describe the children
“Children are the world’s most valuable resource and its best hope for the future.”
– John F. Kennedy
I’m not lazy. I wear yoga pants because the urge to work out might hit me. You don’t know.
*pronounces surface like Versace*
Tip from my mom:
Always wear your bathrobe when at home.
Then if somebody stops by unexpectedly you’re “just about to hop in the shower”.
Date: I’m looking for someone who is courageous.
Me: I’m braver than any marine.
Marine, at the table to my left: Excuse me?
Me: Any, uh, marine animal.
Manatee, on a date with the marine: Excuse us?
no matter how shitty your morning is at your office job today at least you didn’t underwrite the insurance policy for a cargo ship that took out an $800 million bridge
i’m sorry but why are there new episodes of shark week? shouldn’t the sharks be on strike?
BOSS: why are you so late?
ME: i definitely wasnt up until 4am watching Hey Arnold ha-ha
BOSS: well i was and i got here on time
Angry Birds for Olympics: Instead of hitting two birds with one stone, here you can hit two stones with one bird.
Someone: you’re the coolest person I know!
Me: Omg wowww!!!!
My mind: (they need to meet more people)
blessings are like coconuts
sometimes you get bonked on the head outta no where, like “what to heck is this furry bonk ball?! I hate it!”
but eventually you learn you can put a tiny umbrella, some rum and a krazy straw in there. now furry bonk ball is friend
I attempted a smoky eye for a Zoom pitch, but instead it looks like I survived a bar fight so I’m going with that story.
The average person swallows over 4,000 spiders each year. More than that. Tens of thousands. Hundreds of thousands of spiders. It’s crazy.
Accidentally drew my eyebrows on too dark and thick and now I live on Sesame Street with Ernie.
Hell is probably just thousands of tourists trying to take pictures of you walking a cat.
He was a hip
She was a po
Can they be any more potamus
How to start a diet:
1. Do it tomorrow
2. Wake up and repeat step 1
[Calls an ex]
Ex: Hello
Me: Remember how you lied about everything
Ex: Why are you doing this
Me: It’s Throwback Thursday
sorry I broke up with you in the middle of a corn maze
If I were gonna give advice about how to survive leaving your phone at home, it would be this: stare at something else. I chose a weird baby