Forget the fad diets, I’m gonna lose weight the old fashioned way – by not having enough money for food.
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Gollum: it runs but never walks, has a bed but never sleeps, what is it?
Me: my children, now give me the ring
Celebrating Groundhog Day seems silly since we’ve been re-living the same day for the past year
Phlebotomist: Have you had blood drawn before, sir?
Rambo: *semi-unintelligible* first, first part II, and last
Behind every child flushing the toilet is a parent yelling “WASH YOUR HANDS.”
What if animals were injured in the making of a film. would it say ”Tim hurt one monkey… he feels bad.”
If you’re wondering if marriage gets more relaxed the longer it lasts, my parents have been together 36 years and my mother just yelled “WHY DO YOU SPEAK” at my father so I’m guessing the answer is no.
I wanna be friends with this person
These are my emotional support Pringles.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.
ME: we sure have one great kid
WIFE: we have two kids
ME: yes we do
My mother’s maiden name is Password.
Body by Oreos
Me: *typing* exercise
Autocorrect: extra fries
Me: this is better
Medusa: ok so I’ve decided I want bangs
hair stylist: *visibly pales
My kid just sneezed in my face and laughed.
Snots fired.
Went jogging and on the way back had to call an Uber. Faked an ankle injury and prayed it wasn’t the same driver as the last time.
Hi. I didn’t mean to “like” your tweet. I was scraping dried jelly off my phone
My son learned to play baby shark on his trumpet and my other son learned to play baby shark on his clarinet please respect my privacy during this difficult time
My kids made a mixture of snow, corn chex, chocolate chips, and apple slices on the kitchen floor so now I need a new house
“C’mon man, just as far as Cincinnati. I got a cousin there.”
a moth just flew into my wine haha have fun driving home, you drunk piece of shit
fake deep people on this website will post like “do not spend time explaining yourself to people who are committed to misunderstanding you” because they got in trouble for being on their cell phone at work
an attractive man on the internet called me pretty, so I sent him my finger nails in the mail. i’m so nervous lol what if he doesn’t reply??
If anxiety was good for weight loss, I’d be back to being a molecule.
I wanna jam you like a set of salad tongs in a kitchen drawer.
*queen points out window*
“what’s that flashing out the window?”
“Lightning, My Queen”
*car busts thru window*
DID I HEAR LIGHTNING McQUEEN
The real power of a man…
Is the size of the smile on his woman’s face sitting next to him.
Why enunciation matters:
9yo: so this guy came to school and pulled a python out of his boxers
Me: WHAT THE HELL?!???
9yo: …BOXES!
Cop: Do you know why I pulled you over?
Me: [stops painting nails] Nope. What’s up?