So true for me
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I might carry a baby with one hand.
No thanks, $29 hotel. I’d rather be murdered in the comfort of my own home.
London friend is complaining about a 10 minute wait for a tube while I, a non-Londoner, sit here waiting for the rail replacement horse
Don’t forget to take a screen shot of the weather forecast today and post it on Instagram.
If my skinny friend keeps complaining that she’s fat, I may have to throw one of my breakfast donuts at her.
Chess in Australia must be hard.
“Check, mate”
“Checkmate?”
“What?”
“Huh?”
Maybe if y’all stopped complaining about Mondays and speaking the negativity into existence, your Mondays wouldn’t be so bad
My rum-raisin cake is gluten free. It’s also raisin free. And cake free. OK it’s just rum.
I dropped and broke my phone today. Hurt more than childbirth!
Writers should get a direct line to the FBI so we can call them and give them a heads up when we’re googling ways to poison someone but just for a story.
*hot lady looks at me*
Me: Hi! Do I know you?
Lady: No I think I’m mistaken.
*awkward pause*
Me: So…is there a mister taken?
*hit by bus*
The pen is mightier than the sword. Also, parking a car in someone’s living room sends a pretty damn clear message too.
I was trying to get the bubbles out of my screen protector and I accidentally bought a horse on eBay.
Finally going to watch Titanic, no spoilers please.
HER: I still think you made up that word just so you could win at Scrabble
ME: that’s ridictacular
Ankles by my ears? What is this? Cirque du Soleil??
My superpower is turning “never again” to “ok, one more time”
“I’m definitely gonna hit that later tonight!”
– Me pointing out the light pole in the parking lot of the bar.
Finding out that my kids take the “freeze” “unfreeze” game seriously might be the greatest moment of my life
*wonders how long they’ll stay frozen for*
Her: What do you notice that’s different about me?
Me: I’ll just sleep on the sofa, see you in the morning.
Kids are funny:
8yo: “No, you already had enough milk!”
4yo, angrily: “Heyyy, stop telling da truth!”
My friend got my girls slime for their bday so I’m getting her daughter a harmonica for hers.
Donkey Kong sommelier
I walk into the bathroom only to be greeted by my dad’s masterpiece
Whenever someone tells me “make yourself at home” at their house, I always clog their toilet
Saying goodbye to an old friend today. Thoughts and prayers appreciated. Goodbye, bra that stabbed me this week.
When a cop asks you to exit your vehicle, it’s not so he can take a selfie with you.
Mosquitoes:
Noah: *eyes narrow*
[The Rapture]
Me: *trapped on the ceiling like a balloon*
waiting for the exact moment these birds fall asleep so i can scream profanities at them nonstop for a few hours