Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
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This year my wife and I decided to make each other handmade gifts for Christmas. She knitted me a hat and I made her a grilled cheese sandwich.
Man: I was always afraid of dying alone, so…thanks for being with me
Parachute instructor: PULL THE CORD PULL THE CORD!
My wife says move they’re honking, well they’re just going to have to wait until I count all my McNuggets.
Finding a synonym for ‘uneasy’? That won’t be difficult
Friends and neighbors have been baking for me but if they really care they should just pitch in to buy me larger sweatpants.
I don’t want to fold that laundry. Maybe I’ll just put this wet load in there with the dry load and no one will notice.
-me, about to break the dryer
“Don’t look a gift horse in the mouth,” I whisper as I discover my strange mole is actually a half melted chocolate chip.
ME [suspicious my therapist’s a ghost] I keep having a dream about a wall
THERAPIST: Maybe u could walk me through it
ME [quietly] Holy shit
Even when I change my mind, it still doesn’t work any better.😁
The cheese grader saw me walk in the house with a bag of shredded cheddar and shit got real awkward.
When a yoga class gets too challenging, I like to make up my own poses. So far I have Injured Cobra, Distrustful Dog, Wet Cat, Chalk Body Outline, and Drunk White Girl.
If ya’ll had let everybody eat the Tide Pods when they wanted to they wouldn’t be out here licking the ice cream.
As our eyes met across a crowded room, he turned to the man next to him and said, “that’s her…” and that’s how the cop delivered the restraining order
[inventor of frisbee]
“I hate this plate”
In Korean restaurant w/my son & Korean waitress says to him”Hi, how are you”? “Sorry I don’t speak Chinese” Great. I’ve raised a douche!
Dear Stephanie on Facebook,
I do not care that you are watching The Breakfast Club.
I only want to know what channel it’s on.
I set up my Nativity scene, but since baby Jesus hasn’t arrived yet, Mary, Joseph and all the Wise Men are just looking down at their phones.
Don’t date men who will hold open a door for you. Date men who will punch a squirrel in the face for chittering it’s teeth at you.
There’s nothing wrong with showing your naked body on Twitter, some of us were born naked.
90% of parenting, is saying different variations of “We don’t eat waffles with our feet”.
If you love someone, set them on fire. If they don’t come back they aren’t a phoenix and were completely useless to you anyway.
I’m in good enough shape to be turned into a vampire now.
Gas isn’t that expensive, at least not when you’re siphoning it from your coworker’s tank anyway
Whoever designated mini cupcakes as “two-bite” has greatly underestimated my #cupcake eating abilities.
ugh just spilled my starbucks coffee on my phone and now all my contacts are misspelled.
I was out with my young daughter and ran into a friend I’d not seen in years.
“This is Beth.” I said, introducing my kid.
“And what’s Beth short for?” he asked.
“Because she’s only three,” I replied.
Countries whose names are lies:
• Chile – pretty warm
• Ivory Coast – it’s sand
• Greenland – nope
• Turkey – not a flightless bird
• United Kingdom
I accidentally used my mom’s fabric scissors to cut wrapping paper and now the cops are here
Our brain took two billion years to evolve. Two billion trips around the Sun. All so humans can use it to look at kittens on the Internet.