”I wonder how long cake is good for before it goes stale?”
*I say to myself as I eat the last slice from a cake made earlier that day
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I taught my 1yo how to turn on my mother-in-law’s dishwasher since she only uses it for storage.
I asked my dad if there were any advantages to being in your eighties. He said, “Well, no one tries to sell me extended warranties anymore.”
Coffee helps me remember….
Everybody’s name
My passwords
Sense of humour
Woods ❌
I mean wordsI never said it was easy.
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
I overheard my neighbor say, “she has SO MANY pigeons in her yard,” but I couldn’t tell if she was impressed or concerned.
If you’re in your car, go ahead and pick your nose, because the car makes you invisible.
3yo wipes off the air kisses that I blow to her from across the room, which is some next level shade.
“I found my charger!!”
– a love story
why he move like a hotel transylvania character
Fun fact: Pouring water on a snorer only makes them mad.
#ThingsThatAnnoyMe people who do this at school and I’m just like..
Me: [ Seizing the Day ]
Monday:
Starting a diet is a lot like starting a lawn mower, you struggle and sweat and end up on the couch eating ice cream with your shirt off.
“let’s run away together” babe no we have dishes to do
*stops abruptly at red light*
*instinctively reaches out arm to protect food in passenger seat*
still not “these beanie babies are going to be worth so much later on” rich and it hurts.
Never, ever ask a woman if she’s pregnant unless you see an actual baby being born. Even then, act surprised.
My dog will literally sneeze in my face, but if I dare sneeze in the same room as him, he looks at me like I’ve offended him and 4 generations of his ancestors
Draw attention to your older tweets by being arrested on suspicion of multiple murders.
A chain lock on a door is just there to annoy the person who is breaking in to kill you, right?
NEMESIS: We must fight to the death!
ME (fully aware I’m going to lose): oh thank god
“Let’s go over this one more time.”
“I know what-”
“ONE MORE TIME.”
“Fine.”
“What is it you’re looking for?”
“A garbage bag.”
“In which room?”
“The kitchen.”
“What do you do when you find it?”
“Bring it to you here.”
“I’m counting on you, Tim.”
Terribly Tuesday.
I am 36 years old. I could have been a dog three times by now.
BOSS: I suspect one of you wrongly uses nouns as verbs.
Everyone turns around and stairs at me.
Pro tip: if you absolutely must speak in court, do not put air quotes around “the law”. Judges don’t like it.
[text]
Me: on my way over
Friend: u okay?
M: my husband used the guest towels
F: OMG! i’ll open wine
a duck was about to cross the road when a chicken came running up and said… don’t do it man … you will never here the end of it!
Middle schoolers are terrifying because they haven’t even discovered empathy yet. just a bunch of psychopaths struggling to learn long division
Share your cheese puns. Only the Gouda stuff, not de Brie.