Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
You Might Also Like
ME: Sorry we’re late. My daughter couldn’t find her pet spatula.
DAUGHTER: Chad.
ME: Yes. Chad the Spatula.
Sneaking into my neighbour’s home just to raid the kitchen and then accidently setting the house on fire is how I will end up in prison.
Me: Your shoes are on the wrong feet baby girl
2: *starts crying* These are my only feet!
I took someone else’s coffee at Starbucks. I’m Tiffany now
The cashier wasn’t impressed with my top hat, sash, and monocle until I said “Keep the change” from the $1 I gave him for my $0.95 purchase.
Some people make mountains out of mole hills, some people make a competition out of crazy
Dear Electric Company,
You’re welcome. Go buy yourself something special.
-My family, every summer.
I really hope someone makes a movie about a time traveler that keeps going to 2020 to fix it but makes it worse each time
I grew up living paycheck to paycheck , but through hard work and perseverance i now live direct deposit to direct deposit.
Where did I get my scarf? It’s a CVS receipt. You love it? Oh thank you very much.
My Star Wars lingerie is still in the wash so for tonight’s role-play I’m probably just going to wear a matching undies & bra and rename them Star-Drawers and Bra Bra Jinks
Simply Red’s piano player just couldn’t be arsed
(Age 22)
*chugs bottle of water*
Let’s shoot some more hoops!(Age 42)
*chugs bottle of water*
I gotta pee.
The worst thing just happened. I won’t recover. I just reached into a box of free samples outside a chicken restaurant. Only it wasn’t free samples. It was a man. Holding a box of chicken. His chicken. I tried to steal this man’s chicken.
If you call the coffee mugs by your bed “a collection”, you never have to take them to the sink
the #horror is real!
[police lineup]
Cop: Number 3, say, “Gimme your purse, you old hag.”
Me: You’ve got it wrong. I said “old woman,” not “old hag.”
Him: Would you like to have lunch sometime?
Me: I like to have lunch every afternoon.
Sending an insult with a typo is like laughing at someone for tripping and falling and then tripping and falling right front of them.
*gets called a psychopath
*googles “What’s the average IQ of a psychopath?”AWWW, HE THINKS I’M REALLY SMART.
every morning i swallow a piece of paper that says “keep up the good work fellas!!” just in case i die and doctors gotta do an autopsy on me
Me: A coworker called me ‘Papa Hemingway’ today.
Her: Because of your beard?
Me: Well it wasn’t because of my Nobel in Literature.
Yes aunty, I do like jello. And, of course, I adore feta . Why did you have to combine them
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, lean
Jo, LEAN!*our canoe tips over*
ELMO WANT BIG HUG!!! ELMO WANT KIDS TO KNOW THAT JET FUEL COULDN’T POSSIBLY MELT STRUCTURAL STEEL
Random girl: OMG I love your UGG boots
Me: No No… that’s just the way my feet look
Farmer Dad: Having a good party son?
Farmer Son: No. The music sucks.
FD: Well then-
FS: Don’t.
FD: Lettuce turnip the beet.
Where’s a careening bus when you need it?
Jealousy will be your downfall, though other people will have better-looking, more successful downfalls.
My daughter has an ice skating date with her boyfriend tonight. So I’ll be the guy skating behind two 12 year olds carrying a shotgun.