[first day as a bank manager]
Customer: I’d like a car loan
Me: I’m not lending you my car
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What will you contribute to the fight during the coming zombie apocalypse?
I will contribute a drawer full of Whataburger ketchup packets and McDonald’s hot mustard packets.
So, I assure you, you will want me on your zombie fighting team.
If u drink the blue liquid from a Magic 8-Ball u can see the future trust me my friend Keith did once & said he was gonna die & then he did
Overheard someone telling someone else about their twins birthday coming up and the one asked how old they’d be, I shit you not she said “7 and 9”
when no one is looking, squirrels use donuts as hula hoops
Things Stephen King books taught me to be afraid of:
-dogs
-cars
-storm drains
-hotels
-the street
-writers
-little girls
-the prom
I think people who use “go fly a kite” as an insult don’t really understand kites or insults.
Alright. It’s Sunday. Another Breaking Bad. Or if you don’t watch the show, an hour of confusing tweets.
(Me on trampoline outside your bedroom window)
WhyDid
You
Unfollow
Me?
I saved my Q tip so I could ask my husband if my earwax looked normal when he woke up. This is marriage.
Our roofer is concerned (long story) that “our little ones might eat mulch.” I’m more concerned he’s seeing little ones I don’t know about.
As long as my family keeps calling it “The Twitter” I’ll know I’m safe here
Me: *pouts at front facing camera*
Front facing camera: I have a girlfriend.
Sex is a lot like Mario Kart, you go really fast, you throw some bananas, Wario is there.
No Barbara I didn’t intend to “ruin” your day by using the last of the printer ink but I will admit that it was a pleasant byproduct
I haven’t had a good nights sleep since I started wondering what holds up those blocks in Mario.
They grow up so fast. My nephew lost his first tooth Saturday night
In a fight a with a bouncer
We have also removed your mother’s number from contacts because obviously you’re too busy to call her.
I work from home and tend towards introvert
Him: (assessing the surroundings) when did you last leave the house?
Me: Saturday!
Him (familiar with my bullshit): WHICH Saturday?
I wasn’t allowed to watch “A Charlie Brown Christmas” as a kid because of my Peanut allergy.
[On phone]
“Did u see the weather forecast?”
“No. I refuse to be sucked in by Big Weather.”
“Where are you? Its so noisy.”
“IN A TORNADO.”
If your husband tells you you’re being too dramatic don’t forget to bow when you thank him.
[eating something that until 40 years ago was considered a once-in-a-lifetime delicacy only fit for royalty]
Me: it’s a little cold 😤
Me: Hi, the names Pete. What’s yours?
Engelbert Humperdinck: Engelbert Humperdinck
Me: Fine, don’t tell me.
My mother-in-law showed up 3 hours early for Thanksgiving.
-my suicide note
Bruce Lee: be like water.
Me: wasted every day?
Spy balloons monitor our skies and our psyche
It’s gonna be a great beach day, and other mean things meteorologists say as I’m getting ready for work.
God: kill your son
Abraham: uh…ok
God: holy shit I’m jk
Abraham: umm…
God: I’ll probably kill mine tho lol
Abraham: wtf?
Nothing.
Geez, I’m so sorry…I’m not normally ticklish.
(me to the nail lady I just kicked in the face during my pedicure)