Dog: I am more loyal, intelligent, and social
Cat:
Dog: I am faster, stronger, and more dangerous
Cat:
*power goes out*
Dog: *panics and runs directly into the wall in the dark, knocking himself out cold*
Cat: you were saying
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I don’t know at what age I started dressing like the upholstery of my grandma’s plastic wrapped furniture, but here we are.
I always answer “I know” when folks say “Nice to see you”.
I think it’s only polite to acknowledge their good fortune.
Buying a new phone isn’t even satisfying anymore. It’s literally just your old phone with a haircut.
Before I die I want to see a dog run out of a butchers shop with a string of sausages hanging out of its mouth.
Telling my Gen Z coworker that I have email addresses older than her was not the flex I thought it would be
12-year-old: *holds up a poster* This is my school project.
Me: What was your objective?
12: To be done with my school project.
Nailed it.
Of all the things to lose why couldn’t it have been my appetite and not my mind
So glad that Halloween isn’t on Friday the 13th this year because that would be so 2020 am I right?
I unironically love this joke.
How do you fix a broken condom?
Rubber cement.
Them: Alcohol is not a healthy coping mechanism.
Me: Okay but when I tried to keep a therapist in the cupboard above the fridge I got in trouble so…
How do you pronounce “The baby formerly known as X Æ A-12.”?
I’m trying to get this list of reasons I gave up on humanity just right.
H: Gross! Stop peeing in the shower!
Me: Why? Everybody pees in the shower.
H: Yeah but you’re not in it right now, I am.
ME: (first day as a detective) It looks like he accidentally shot himself in the head while trying to eat his own gun. What a shame.
MY PARTNER: Have u considered suicide?
ME: Jesus Christ man, I just get sad sometimes. I dont want to die.
5-year-old: How many pull-ups can you do?
Me: 22.
Wife: How many with witnesses?
Me: Almost 1.
Thank you, true crime show, for saying that was a reenactment. I was pretty upset your camera person didn’t stop that murder.
People like to say they love coffee but dump 1 gallon of sugar into it. You don’t love coffee you love candy.
it’s always a fun time when a wrong number texts you
Hey nice try, people named Tristan. Or I should say Stan Stan Stan.
The Twelve Days of Christmas would cost$107,000 this year which is relatively cheap considering the amount of human trafficking in the song.
I am good with a paring knife. I like the weight of it in my hand. Sorry, go on, finish your story.
Anyone know any Sausage Biscuits looking for a job?
We live in a world where cartoons & other misc fictitious characters have their own Wikipedia pages.
But I’m the one that needs meds?
A museum guard accused me of trying to steal a 4,000-year-old papyrus but I explained that my skin just gets like that in the winter.
Doctor: You should eat more greens
Cannibal: [thumbs through phonebook]
me *eating a piece of cake*
trainer: Where did you get that?
Does anyone want a $100 bill? Because I’m giving away $100 bills!
Here, you can have my $100 phone bill… and my $100 grocery bill…. and my $100 insurance bill!
I like to sleep naked, I love the feeling of the sheets against my skin.
On an unrelated note I’m not allowed in Ikea anymore