Me: I hate Valentine’s Day
Some Random Guy: I hate it too
Me: 😍😍😍
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People believe that they have brains but maybe that’s just inside their heads.
Quiz host: Your topic is music
Me: Yes!!
Quiz Host: Which Imagine Dragons song starts quietly followed by the singer yelling the chorus?
Me: You’ve got to be kidding me
oh good, now I can stop drinking
My doctor called and said they couldn’t use the stool sample that I sent in and asked if I could give them another and I’m like “I thought you’d never ask!”
This day is looking better already!
Need this in my life lol
I only have sex with the lights off to prevent having to explain some of my tattoos.
Doctor: Open your mouth (inserts tongue depressor)
Me: Mmm, this tastes good.
Dr: You should have tasted it when the Popcicle was on it!
If you want to know if your teenagers watered down your vodka put it in the freezer.
Let’s cut to the chase babe. I’ve only got a few DMs left.
Yogurt does nothing. Creamy nonsense. You ever finished a yogurt cup and felt like it made a difference? Like throwing a shoe at a bear.
If you bump into someone at the grocery store and say goodbye, there’s a 99 percent chance you’ll see them in every single aisle after that.
“these edibles aint shit”
me 45 minutes later:
The best letter to the editor in today’s @TB_Times.
Probably the most empowered I’ve ever felt was that time I stuck a fork in a socket.
I’d never go on a dating website.
I believe in meeting guys the old fashioned way, hitchhiking.
Medical offices are like “download our patient portal where we’ll post your lab results then fax us your request for a username and password”
Hockey: because running on knives makes sense.
Did you know if you weigh yourself, then take a dump, then weigh the dump & weigh yourself again, you’ll be banned from Walgreens for life?
I spray Lysol on Tide Pods before I eat them. Double protection!
First date:
And if you could slide over a little bit my Mom would like to sit next to you…
What do the films Titanic and 6th Sense have in common?
Icy dead people….. please don’t unfollow me
If you wear a mask you look like a cool Mortal Kombat character and people will want to do sex to you
Friend: How long will it take you to recover from surgery?
Me: That depends on how long my husband is willing to cook, clean, and do the laundry.
Weird how tea bags come with that little fuse sticking out of them—I’ve lit hundreds of them over the years but only a handful have ever exploded
Rich people don’t understand cereal
me: how did he die?
him: he was trampled by a gang of elephants
me: a parade
him: no it’ll just be a regular funeral
Friend: are you mad?
Me: what no
Friend: you look mad
Me: I have 4 kids it’s just my face
My wife always accuses me of having a favourite child. It’s not true, I love Matthew and Not-Matthew equally.
I’m telling everyone I have corona so I’ve got 14 days of not being bothered.