Go ahead and assume it’s a banana;
I’m rarely that happy to see anyone.
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One of the top features of squirrels, for me, has got to be that squirreliness
Expecting Parents,
PLEASE
I beg you
Please look at what your child’s name will be spelled backwards.Sincerely,
Marlana
I once dated a girl to get closer to her parents’ record collection.
Autocorrect changed ‘lover’ to ‘liver’ and that’s ok because I need one of those too.
{1st day as a correctional therapist}
Me: you need to free yourself from the prison-
Inmate: *excitedly unfolds escape plan*
Me: OF YOUR MIND
Inmate: *sadly folds escape plan*
Attack today with a positive attitude. Absolutely destroy it with good vibes. Murder its family with hope.
me: did you know there’s a complex named after you
oedipus: haha, I’m not surprised, I was king, defeated the sphinx, stopped a plague! what part of my life is it named after?
me:
oedipus: andrew? what par—what did they name it after?
If your teens are arguing about the best way to cut sandwiches while holding super sharp knives, it’s a good time to remind them that you can only afford college for one anyway.
This is an illustration of how dumb I am in the morning: I woke up yesterday to my “Alarm” on my phone and my first thought was “Aladdin is calling me”
The 10 Most Defining Viral Twitter Posts of All Time
1.
I went for a drive but I forgot my glasses. I didn’t even realize I had forgotten them until the guy lying on my windshield said something.
The fastest land mammal is a toddler who’s been asked what’s in their mouth.
DOCTOR: have you been drinking enough fluids?
ME: that’s literally all I drink
Someone left an honest-to-goodness Yellow Pages phonebook on my front porch today. I immediately notified the Smithsonian. kids, ask your parents what a phonebook is.
Her: Do you like this outfit?
Him: It’s okay I guess.
What are you doing?Her: Changing.
Him: But we’re gonna be late! I said it was okay!
Men bring a lot of their problems on themselves.
I don’t think Nyquil knows what cherries taste like!
Baby Yoda ends up in the nativity scene ONE time and I’m no longer in charge
Just tossed my hair seductively and a chicken nugget fell out.
“This does not bode well.” – a guy at the returns desk, explaining why he’s returning a boder.
I once tried to the Dirty Dancing lift with my cat but it turns out Mr. Mittens isn’t very strong.
When my wife asks me to do that one thing in the bedroom that she really likes, she’s talking about vacuuming.
Salesman: This model corners really well
Car: *backs me into an alley and takes my lunch money*
My son just said he’s going to call me “Squishy” to match my stomach and now I need to have another kid just so I can have a favorite
I FREAKING SWEAR!! IF I HAVE TO TELL YOU ONE MORE TIME WHAT AN EASY-GOING, PATIENT, AND CHILL PERSON I AM, I’M GONNA LOSE IT!!!!
You put in your offer, but then discover the neighbors have a peacock, possibly peacocks. You wonder if they’ll get along with yours.
*DOG Talks
Dog (wearing headset):
So when I realized I didn’t *have* to fetch the ball, the power dynamic between me and my human shifted dramatically.
See..?
.
I’ve never once used the “C word” in a tweet but I will now!!!!
Cookie.
There, happy now? You cunts.
even worse than arguing with a stupid person online is when an even stupider person joins in but they’re on your side
When I see people running to catch the elevator I’m on I yell “HURRY! YOU GOTTA SMELL THIS!”.