Ronald McDonald’s favorite song is the bigmacarena
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[Casually trying to figure out if the hot dude at my gym is old enough for me to hit on] what war do you most associate with your time in elementary school
Holy shit, I just saw my ex sister in-law get punched in the face eleven times with my fist!
My toddler said “I’m happy” and then “We’re best friends.” But it turns out she was talking to her cheese.
I am, perchance
What idiot called it celiac disease when they could have gone with gluten for punishment?
New Yorkers were told they couldn’t bring their dog on the subway unless they fit inside a bag. It turns out that is quite a big loophole when you think about it
Sure I’ve got problems like everyone else but not enough to start a podcast.
I’m no fan of watching a train wreck, unless that train is pulling boxcars full of delicious delicious Raisin Bran®️
If you can’t take me at my most inappropriate, you don’t deserve me the other 3 days of the year.
Me trying to walk in a dream
when I was like 16 I tried to prank my mom on april fools by telling her I was pregnant and she said you have to have sex to get pregnant emma
Cop: this whole crime scene is fishy
Cat Detective: *flashing badge* ok i’ll take it from here
[whispering to paramedic before I pass out] save me but not enough that I have to go to work tomorrow
Him: I need to see license, registration and proof of insurance.
Me reaching for purse: again?? Speed dating at a cop convention sucks.
[hits you in the face with newspaper]
“Sorry, I thought your eyebrows were caterpillars.”
One of my kids hates the smell of melted cheese, so naturally my other kid is going through a nachos only phase.
The wife and I just got divorced.
We split the house………I got the outside.
No thanks Cupid. If I wanted butterflies and my heart skipping beats, I would do something less ridiculous like lose my phone.
Me as a detective:
[analyzes evidence with magnifying glass]
[evidence catches on fire]
no no no no
My kids are at their grandparents’ for the week, and did you guys know that when there are no kids living at your house IT STAYS CLEAN ALL THE TIME???
dating: Of course I’ll wait until 8 to eat with you, handsome.
married: If you’re not home by 6, I’ll eat your dinner, too
M. Night Shyamalan showed me his new screenplay where the coronavirus turns out to be Bruce Willis this whole time.
[First day of class at law school]
*raises hand*
Hi, yes. When do we get our white, curly wigs?
Crazy sister put: “I had a child very young so I had to mature quickly” on her resume once. Put her email address as MONKEYTUSHIES87 too.
Omg you guys I got a Christmas bonus! JK it was a video message from the CEO in which he struggled to read the cue cards.
Facebook is a great platform to find long lost friends to borrow money from.
Should I be annoyed or smug that I continually show up in the LinkedIn recruiter search of the company that laid me off
Sometimes I think I’m pretty smart, and other times I duck when planes fly by.
Cute cat
“Thanks. We dont let him in though cause he shreds”
You mean sheds?
“No” [gestures to cat shredding to Van Halen on the back patio]
The parent-teacher conference is going great. They have no idea I’m not the teacher.