I used to be one of these chefs who always swore and shouted until I discovered oven mitts.
#ChefDay #RubbishJokes
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Crime and Punishment is my favourite novel about family vacations.
BEAR IN A TRENCHCOAT: yes i’m here for the fish tube job
Whenever somebody says “it is what it is” I reply with “and it’s not what it’s not” so they’ll realize just how stupid they sounded
Teen boys either use a whole can of axe body spray or none at all. There’s no in between.
Irony. The opposite of wrinkly.
Thank you. I’ll be here all night.
Potatoes are used to make vodka. Also, potatoes are technically vegetables. The point I’m trying to make is, you do a juice cleanse your way, and I’ll do one my way.
“As far back as I could remember I always wanted to shut an island” – Leo DiCaprio in Shutter Island
*Walks in late to dinner*
I see fed people.
This mom was judging me cause I was taking my kids to McDonald’s and I thought it was so cute she thought I gave a shit.
the ‘shooting down mysterious balloons above US airspace’ thing becomes a lot more unsettling if you replace the L’s with B
A guy just said he wants to know what I got “in the trunk”
I told him duct tape, a shovel and rapid decomposition powder
Flirting is hard
I’ve just realized… gun to my head and i have to spell diarrhea… I’m dead
Kylo Ren: What was Vader like?
Leia: He blew up my planet & killed everyone I loved.
Kylo:
Leia:
Kylo: What was his stance on sideburns?
Sex so good you forget you’re married…to each other.
Nobody is hungrier than a child who’s just been told it’s time for bed.
“I’m not a prude BUT” – you’re a prude
“I hate the drama BUT” – you love the drama
“I’m not sure what you mean BUT” – you know damn well what I mean
Me: I miss traffic and people
Mother Earth: IDK this is the best I’ve felt in YEARS
If Zombies ever switch to eating souls, I’ll have the last laugh on everyone whoever made fun of me for being a Ginger
“Open your gift”
A ‘non-stick’ frying pan?
“You don’t like it?”
Non-stick? [smashes rest of gifts] YOU KNOW HOW MUCH I LOVE STICKS BRENDA
In my defense, I didn’t realize it was a funeral procession when I started flipping people off for going so slow.
I’m 51 now, but still cling to the hope of me flying through a room horizontally shooting 2 handguns at once one day 😌💭
ME: We live in an uncaring universe void of meaning and purpose.
WIFE: I understand, but you’re still folding all this laundry.
My dog is home alone for the first time today. I wish I knew how he was doing, but he won’t answer my texts.
“Every girl’s crazy ‘bout a sharp-dressed man” he hummed to himself while ironing his sleeveless tuxedo T-shirt.
Spanish for wife – “esposa”
Spanish for handcuffs – “esposas”
Well played, Spanish
if you knew my origin story, you’d stop asking what’s wrong with me, and start asking if i want crayons with my placemat.
escape room concept (advanced): it’s Christmas and your family is asking why you’re still single
My guardian angel deserves a raise
if you ask someone what their favorite fruit is and they say “apricot”, get the hell out of there. it’s an alien that just picked one of the first ones they saw off the alphabetical list. nobody loves apricots
“And we’re back at the Baby Walking Finals!”
“Our next competitor is attempting a 3 inch step…”
“He got his right foot down firmly and the grandparents are impressed. Can he stick the landing?”
“He’s coming down with his left foot and… Ohhhhh he’s fallen flat on his face!”