Tonight, people who are weaker, slower, and dumber than you will deliver bags of treats to your very doorstep. Seize this moment.
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*putting dead animal heads on the walls*
People will like this!
men, we mow at sunrise.
Government Shutdown: Day 13
Anthony Weiner decides to help.
He takes a photo.
He tweets.
Congress now sees where balls are located.
DJ: WAVE YOUR HANDS IN THE AIR LIKE YOU JUST DON’T CARE
*crowd nervously looks at each other
*meek yet courageous man steps up
M: No.
just learned that they put your last name on a pet’s prescription which means there are pharmacists out there who went to school for years just to dispense Zoloft to a Meatball Williams
Me: I can’t find clothes for a toddler
Salesman: Have you looked for 12-15 months?
Me: No, just half an hour
“And the award for best empty chasm goes to…Howling Void!”
HOWLING VOID: [howling]
My wife wants me to go to Zumba with her. I am hopeful that this is a place to get burritos.
Whenever people say “don’t judge me” I like to imagine them in the weird wigs British judges wear.
*whispers*
Judged you.
I like how Subway sells “healthy footlong” sandwiches, as if anything is healthy when you’re eating it by the foot.
Do celebrities feel complimented when they’re called underrated? Like, you’re really good, just not enough people think so
I’m giving up alcohol for a month.
Wait sorry, that didn’t come out right :
I’m giving up. Alcohol for a month.
Them: your pets are spoiled
Me: they are competitively compensated for the user experience they provide
Me : I have changed my mind.
Wife : Hope the new one is working.
super glad this box of pasta says “store in a cool dry place” because i usually keep all of my groceries in a bog
Nut allergies are proof that trees are taking their revenge after generations of us stealing their young.
I applied for a government job today and accidentally sent the wrong resume. This early display of incompetence should work in my favor.
*wakes up in the belly of a whale*
me: this can’t be happening again
morgan freeman: but it was, he was in the belly of a whale again
[doorbell]
“Hi, do you have time to discuss the Bible?”
“You have cookies?”
“No, sir I-”
“Come back when you have cookies.”*closes door*
hot girl doing pouty lips: wow she is so sexy
me doing pouty lips: are…are you going to puke, you have to tell me if you’re going to puke
Boss: Good suggestions at the staff meeting today, Bill.
Me: I talk in my sleep?
I don’t know where it went wrong, but even Barbie has a nicer house and car than me.
One time in chemistry I hid my lab partner’s beaker and he turned into a mad scientist.
Took my 8 year old to the Grand Canyon and people asked why I didn’t bring my toddler.
If you know my toddler, and you’ve been to the Grand Canyon you will have your answer.
Garlic and bread is the only marriage I truly have faith in.
I don’t think Major Tom was much of an astronaut – Ground Control had to tell him to put his helmet on, FFS. That’s pretty basic stuff.
Me: OK now i need fresh fruit
Grocery app: Here’s melon flavored candy.
Me: No fresh fruit
Grocery app: Got it. Fruit snacks.
Not to brag but growing up my boys thought a unanimous decision meant whatever mom wants.
Tik Tok is a national treasure.
I tried a little tenderness and now I’m trying blunt force trauma.