Fly restaurant:
Waiter, there’s a man in my soup
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What’s the normal amount of hair to mail someone? I feel like this is a lot of hair I’m mailing to someone
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
I’m pretty sure Mark Zuckerberg googled “what do humans enjoy?” and the first result was “Sweet Baby Ray’s” and he just stopped reading after that
People who marry themselves are so silly, like you already live together
This throwing coins in the wishing well is taking too long…
I’m going in myself.
“Are you ever going to boil?”, I scream at the pot of water that is sitting on a burner which I didn’t turn on.
Man: I love curvy women
Curvy Woman: has tummy rolls, thighs touch, cellulite
Man: no, not like that
Apparently you can’t just drop your ex off at the morgue just cause they are dead to you.
Promises so empty, you thought it was your bank account
I haven’t read a single History book that explains how Asians got out of their Pokeballs.
[funeral]
I’ll never forget dad’s last words: It’s way past Halloween! What moron left the hilarious CAUTION tape on this elevator?
[whispering to coworker who liked my status about having to put my dog down but never commented] so you like dead dogs do ya meghan?
Son: mom, you wanna dance with me?
Me, who has no rhythm: *dances*
Son: maybe you can just watch me instead.
Police: can you describe the woman who stabbed you
Male author: Lithe, spirited, and outgoing. She was a raw sexual force and she knew it. She was a dandelion fluff on a summer day, gone in an instant, leaving you with nothing but the memory of her smell
Police:
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
If honey is supposed to be so great for your voice, why does it sound like Winnie the Pooh has been shotgunning bleach?
I just accidentally uploaded this instead of my invoice on a company’s invoicing portal and I can’t delete it
Receptionist: The doctor will see you now.
Me: *applying camouflage paint* I very much doubt that.
My kid gave me 75 cents for being her mom, so either we need to work on math or I’m a really shitty parent
hey ther delilah wats it like in gotham city
is the joker stil in jail–
sory– i mean– u look so prety yes u do
batman is not as cool as u
One day ISIS is going to screw up and accidentally hit ‘add your location’ to a tweet.
You smell amazing. Like a hotdog.
– Me, flirting.
Just bent over and heard a snap. Was hoping it was a broken rib but turns out it was the underwire in my last good bra snapping 😭
Oh sure, a guy spends 3 days in complete isolation and when he comes out, they call him “messiah”, but when I do it, they call it “job abandonment”.
Having a teenager is fun because the voice in my head that questions everything I do now has a friend
RETIREMENT EXPERTS: by 35 you should have twice your salary saved
35 YEAR OLD: my salary is $13.00 an hour and i have $26.00 in my bank account so I’m good
Confuse future archeologists by burying your pets in elaborate military uniforms.
The rain was bonkers in Brooklyn today. When I got to the MTA station, all the trains had stopped running! But on the bright side I stayed and got scuba certified.
Spring is here!
I got so excited I wet my plants!
I say “Have a good one” instead of “Have a nice day” because I’m so mysterious. One what? You just don’t know!