Wife still out of town. I’m afraid if I order Dominos again they will call child services.
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Her: I heard you got super glue on your fingers, are you okay?
Me: 👌
that co-worker that never lets you get your shit done.
3 was dragging her baby round the house yelling “we’re late for pick up!!” and “where are my keys?!” and “I need wine!!” and I don’t have a clue where she got the idea for that game
I realize how this looks, but that guy’s neck was already like that when I got here.
Genie: If you say another word, your going to die.
Me: ʸᵒᵘ’ʳᵉ
Sharing a bed should be like boxing:
• meet in middle
• fist-bump
• put in mouthguards
• go to separate corners
• no touching until 1st bell
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Give it a rest, Quinoa. I know birdseed when I see it.
My 8yo nephew who has never seen a CD player before just asked if the eject button was for his seat in my car and in this very moment I wish it was
*first day as an insurance salesman*
Customer: Can I get a quote?
Me: Sure! “Hold on tight, spider-monkey” 🥰
Customer: …
Me: …
Customer: …
Me: …Edward Cullen 2008.
talking to animals doesn’t make you crazy, hearing them talk back does
Penguins can’t fly. Sometimes I get bummed out thinking about that. But then I remember I don’t have to clean penguin shit off my car.
Date: omg it’s so dark do you have a flashlight
Me: I don’t need one cause I have all the light I need right here-
Date: aww
Me: oh my feet *i stomp and my light up sketchers start flashing*
Mugger: “Hand over your wallet and that ring you’re wearing.”
Me: “You can have my wallet but I’m going swimming and I need the inflatable to help me stay afloat.”
What do you call the sexual orientation where you’re attracted to both and men and women but they’re not attracted to you?
Bi-yourself.
Walking around cemeteries looking at headstones is a great way to come up with baby names.
My favorite thing about living in New York is that when you see somebody with a baby carrier strapped to their chest, 9 times out of 10, it’s a poodle
I’m not against selfies. They kill more people than sharks
Sometimes I wonder what people without kids do with all that free time. I bet they sit and stuff.
[spelling bee]
“your word is… death”
can you use it in a sentence?
“in most states, yes”
[God creating bears]
God: people will wanna hug ’em, but you really shouldn’t
I could be in a store desperately looking for gauze to treat a knife wound and I’d still tell a clerk that approached me I was just browsing
I’m not saying I drink a lot of wine but I am saying my dentist sent me flowers for switching from red wine to white.
My kid: My mom drinks all day. She keeps filling up her special cup so she can drink all day. Sometimes she even puts this special powder in her drink too.
Me: IT’S WATER. I DRINK WATER ALL DAY WITH LEMONADE POWDER BECAUSE THE CITRIC ACID KEEPS MY KIDNEY STONES AWAY FFS!!
Now that’s a Halloween costume! 🤩
friend: what r u up to
me: eating 3 pounds of pasta
friend: what r u training for
me: eating 5
Chat: “don’t”
Email: “I do not”
Essay of 2,500 words: “Henceforth, I have suddenly discovered that I am now bereft of the ability to do”
If you’ve never baked pot brownies in an Easy Bake Oven… then you’ve never wrote an apology letter to your sister with an Etch A Sketch.
The only way I’d see Taken 3 is if Liam Neeson gets kidnapped and his daughter has to rescue him