i love driving becuase it combines my love of sitting with my love of being mad
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jfc that’s a stupid idea and someone could get hurt so when can we do it?
Spoiler Warning: Playing possum when you get pulled over will NOT get you out of a speeding ticket…
*working in hospital with med student*
me: ok so this patient is here today with a lot of crystals
med student: oooh u mean like those healing crystals
me: no the crystals are in their urine
med student: oooh so like harming crystals
me: correct
Why don’t Elvis impersonators call themselves the next best King?
Cop: you get one phone call
me: [dials 911] help
Friendly reminder that Noah brought two bedbugs on the ark and is in no way a hero
Can’t. Have to go tighten all the jar lids so I feel useful tomorrow when my chef sister comes cook
Me: [auditioning for the new Thor movie] Mjolnir, mjolfar, wherever you mjolare
I believe that mjolheart does go onMarvel Exec: Get out.
I can’t stop laughing at this photo my friend posted of an iguana eating her guacamole at a resort in Cabo. It brings me such joy. And the people looking on with horror/laughter are the chef’s kiss.
Woman in bar *winks at me* wanna go back to your place?
Me: hell yeah![Later]
Me *alone at home* hang on
Then he told me, “Where you see only one set of footprints, that’s where I had to carry you because you drank all the water I turned into wine.”
Me: When I was lying in bed, I found this huge lump. I need it removed.
Doctor: Ma’am, that’s your husband.
Me: And your point is…?
I’ve never played Russian Roulette, but I have used a condiment from my parents’ fridge without checking the expiration date
I just listened to a guy try to pick up a girl buy using “I can climb ANY tree, I mean ANY tree” and I think dating may have changed a lot since I was in the game.
Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
Drunkenly got behind the wheel last night
It’s difficult to do a sassy walk away when you’ve tied your shoelaces together
I know this now
FRIEND: I have a secret *removes human skin to reveal scales* I’m an alien
GUY BESIDE ME: WHAT?! *unzips human costume to reveal a different alien species*
BARISTA: *removes facemask* for frig sakes!ME: *stays in the corner eating donuts, clearly amused*
Asked my son if he could go anywhere in the world, where would he go? He said, McDonald’s. I said no, like a country. He said, OHHHH okay…McDonald’s in Japan.
*flags down police car* how many mpg does this thing get?
If we hadn’t made them extinct, instead of kung fu panda we could have had tae kwon dodo.
Did you know that if you say Bloody Mary three times into the bathroom mirror no one will bring you one? Ugh this monastery is weak af
In light of all the stressful things around us right now, let’s take a moment to appreciate the cheapest luxury in the world. You don’t HAVE to get all dressed up to share a platter containing 12 pieces of toast with someone special…but don’t you think you should?
Roses are red. Violets are blue. If he’s busy on Valentine’s Day, the side chic is you.
I knew I’d pissed off Mother Nature when she sent a hurricane to wash my car and then left it on my roof.
How my city treated us singles yesterday😮💨😩
I live in fear that one day the real “World’s Greatest Dad” is going to show up to reclaim his rightful mug.
A reverse tornado appears. It roars toward you, the angry funnel cloud planting a row of small red houses, one car landing in front of each. Then a park is scribbled into existence circled by a pleasant tree-lined pathway. As it passes over you, it places a nice hat on your head.
Me and be Jealous?… HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA … Who is McDonald’s and why are you ‘lovin it’?
Why is it called a “family who really enjoys artificially flavored drink mixes” and not a “‘Wooh, Tang!’ Clan”?
Aaaaaand tweet.