Walked outside to say hello to the owl and the neighbor thought I was saying hi to him.
If you think a woman is speaking to you, look around and make sure she isn’t talking into a tree. She is probably actually speaking to an owl.
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A drone, but for seeing which fast food drive-thrus have the shortest line
Interviewer: Can you explain this space on your resume?
Neil Armstrong: …yes.
Me: ew look at that guy sitting in his own shit.
Wife: just change your son’s diaper please.
I’m eating strawberries in the bath while watching a spider kill a ladybug. I feel like I’m in a silent French film about sex and death.
Help! Lots of manta rays have washed up on the beach!
DISCUS CHAMPION: [rising from his towel] I’ve trained my whole life for this moment.
me, to my wife: calm down and smile more
Stockbroker: *rubbing bridge of nose* that’s not what I meant by ‘take risks’
Me: Hey, baby. Want to come over?
Him: No, I’m sorry. I’m contemplating the meaning of life.
Me: I’m naked and alone 😏
Him: We all are…
*pulls up pants*
Oh, you said ANNUAL review. Well, this is embarrassing. But just for reference, how’d I do?
(1st day in heaven)
Me: Whoa- is that Elvis?
Angel- no, it’s an impersonator
M: Wow, is that…
A: listen man all we got is impersonators
Bananas should have really loud wrappers, like hey, look at me, I’m eating fruit!
Candy should have soft wrappers like, shhhh, I’m a loser.
“DO NOT HIT ME. THE TURTLES DO NOT HIT SPLINTER. I AM SPLINTER TO YOU.” -real thing I just said to my son
Children of the corn 🌽
My girlfriend and I started dating after her car ran into mine.
We met by accident
*son walks in as mom hides her urban dictionary word-of-the-day calendar*
Mom: How was school?
Son: ok
Mom: Had a real trill lunch with Nona
Good morning.
*reading a book to kindergarteners*
jack & jill went up the hill to fetch a pail of water…{i look up, shaking my head}…because of course we all know that water is frequently found at the highest point in the village
Hate it when I put on active wear and nothing happens.
A reality show where chefs deconstruct recipes and IKEA customers put them back together
professor X: what’s your power?
me:
professor X: wow, me too, you’re in.
CNN: The boy who cried Breaking News.
st pete:
me:
st pete:
me: was it my browser history?
st pete: [locking pearly gates]
wAs It mY bRoWsEr HiStOrY
I helped a little old lady at the market today.. She was too short to grab a box of cereal from the top shelf, so I stood on her shoulders!
I hate when scientists are like “some insects can see colors we can’t.” Like ok? What colors? Quickly.
*Hits Rock Bottom*
Dwayne Johnson: I have a boyfriend.
It might just be MAX now, but whenever his mom gets mad she still calls him by his full name, Hubert Bertinelli Oscar Maximus the third
The worst thing about living in the city must be cleaning all the dead parkour people out of your chimney.
“It’s because I raised eleven kids in a previous life,” is what I tell people when asked why I don’t have any children.
Instead of folding all of laundry immediately wear everything in the pile. Issue handled; no fuss no muss
Cheerleaders:
“U. G. L. Y. YOU AIN’T GOT NO ALIBI, YOU’RE…”{Guidance counselor glares at them}
Cheerleaders:
“… beautiful on the inside…”
*Clap clap*
INTERVIEWER: Why did you leave your previous job?
ME: Because once they fire you they won’t let you stay.