My friends tinder conversation PLEASE βπΌπππ
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[My date and I both speak at the same time]
Me: Haha sorry! You go firstDate: I was just gonna say I love this wine, and the food is delicious. What were you gonna say?
Me: Should male sheep be called heep?
I need a pet that is quiet, obedient and doesnβt jump on the furniture.
I think I need a hard boiled egg.
I wish airlines would stop calling it your “final destination” have they not seen those movies?
Is “asking for a friend” just a way people can nonchalantly ask a question while making it seem like someone else asked? Asking for a friend
Hearing them call a 25 year old hockey player a ‘veteran’ and a 28 year old player ‘old’ has done zilch for my self esteem today
Friend: Duuude it’s fuckin’ Friday ni…
Me: *already closing the lid to my hibernation pod*
Sometimes when my family is especially ungrateful, I don’t wash the vegetables when I make their salads.
ππ»: what are you wearing?
π: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
how disrespectful to start wwiii in the middle of coachella.
Kids’ clothes really need clearer labels stating when they are made of “scratchy stuff” or the printed size is “not true” or they are “too purple.”
normalize answering the phone saying, “I’M DOING THE BEST I CAN, CAPTAIN”
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
Follow these tips for a happy Thanksgiving. Printable version available on FB:
Found some beef jerky under my kidβs pillow, and now I have some questions for the tooth fairy
Our daughter ran away from home
once when she was a teenager.We were frantic.
Within months, we called the police
to report her missing.
When I call out the wrong name during sex, I just segue into singing Mambo No. 5.
I would never join a gang, because I am vehemently against group projects.
BOSS: I’m firing you.
ME: Thank heavens!
BOSS: Why else would I call you here?
ME: Thought I was losing my job *puts on helmet*
BOSS: Lol. No. *helps me into cannon* Who else would do this?
HOT LOCAL SINGLES IN YOUR AREA WANT YOUR CREDIT CARD NUMBER.
I love that we have computers and the Internet now, it’s much easier to publish a study, I just published one about bacon being a super food with all the vitamins and nutrients as kale but much better tasting.
*summoning demonic forces to overthrow the zoo employees*
Me: itβs about the journey not the destination
Patient: [bleeding out] I want a different ambulance driver
Tomorrow’s forecast seems ominous.
Making French toast is a lot like making regular toast. The only difference is that you use your tongue.
Damn boy, is your name Dulcolax because you irritate the shit out of me.
What they donβt tell you about marriage is that between year 5 and 15, your wife will record you snoring in the night, and then present it to you like itβs evidence in a murder trial.
If you love something, set it free.
(Does not apply to ferrets.)*
*I am no longer allowed on the subway.
The plural of beer is beer, which is very convenient when you are explaining to your wife why you were late coming home from work.
Don’t tell me a program may contain nudity. Tell me for sure so I don’t waste my time.