Starting next year, Santa comes in the afternoon while the kids are watching Netflix in their rooms so we don’t have to stay up all night assembling shit.
RT to cosign.
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When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Okay, so two farmers walk into a bar……..n.
Moist people aren’t offended by the occasional typo.
Why is there so much day left at the end of my patience
Follow Sunday: @funTweeters, because boredom.
My anti theft device in my car is that it’s manual.
sleep paralysis demon: ew. why are you so sweaty?
Ordered a takeaway and the driver forgot my milkshake, I asked for a refund on the delivery app and it’s asking for a picture of the missing milkshake… I-
Still my favorite headline of all time:
[creating animals]
God- I want an animal with 2 humps
Angel- And a cute face?
G- Yes.. And make them spit at humans
A- LOL
G- LOL
[consoling grieving widow]
so I guess you’ll be looking for a new owner for his pokémon collection?
[first day as a waiter]
customer: excuse me, there’s a fly in my soup??
me: so sorry about that! *drops a spider in the soup* that should take care of it
Him: Going to Taco Bell, want anything?
Me: I’m just thirsty
Him: What do you want?
Me: Six tacos and a burrito
My girlfriend told me to take a spider out instead of killing it. We went and had some drinks. Cool guy. Wants to be a lawyer.
Fight club but it’s really just me trying to grab air before I fall on the ice.
My right eye is twitching like it’s at some kind of techno dance party that the rest of me wasn’t invited to.
The best way to prepare for Motherhood is to put Dora on TV for 9 months, set your alarm for every 45 minutes and throw food on your floors.
This gym has a very strict rule no denim jeans or jorts. But if you’re 300 lbs of muscle & attitude, apparently it’s merely a suggestion.
i put “wake up” and “try to breathe” on my to-do list and long story short it’s 9:30am and guess who’s already had a productive day
coworker: I heard the cafeteria is serving sundaes today
me stickier than usual: can confirm
I don’t know if this is a good idea.
Narrator: He knew, in fact, it was an awful idea.
Flock of geese
Murder of crows
Mistake of beers
*Seductively turns all your toilet tissue rolls the wrong way…
*into earpiece during date*
Ok now maintain eye contact
No not that kind of contact
Bro do not touch her eyes
Get your eye away from hers
Few things create body issues like a hotel pool towel
Dog started snarling and barking at me, he was mad as hell because I wouldn’t share his pupperoni.
Vicodin: For when you absolutely have to apple scissors badger trampoline Connie seven accept substitute no steak fries
murderer: run if you want to live
me: *starts sprinting*
murderer: not like toward me tho
i didn’t think at 41 i would be saying “but please don’t tell my parents” as often as i do
I was going to sign this permission slip to let my daughter watch The Grinch at school but I haven’t heard back from North Korea yet.