Interviewer: there’s a long gap on your resume?
Me: Ah yes, you see I was dressing my toddler
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[police car behind me]
Me: shit, was that a red light back there?
My dog: like a grey
Me: …
My dog: like a light grey. If that helps
[tavern]
Jerk on stool next to me:
Which do you like better my looks or my personality?Me: I’m gonna need more options.
Please don’t interrupt me when I’m trying to overhear something.
“That’ll be $19.94.”
*pulls out $50 bill*
“Sorry, we’ve had a problem with counterfeit bills. Have anything smaller?”
*pulls out $25 bill*
Me:
JK Rowling: the Whomping Willow was gay
Raise your arms and run through the police crime scene tape like you’re finishing a marathon.
My son, 15, DOES NOT KNOW the name of the street we’ve lived on for 7 years. We are taking him to the vet to get micro-chipped.
This year, teach your kids the true meaning of Easter by trapping them in a stone tomb for three days.
I don’t trust any bank that isn’t shaped like a pig.
I drive with my hands at ten and two, but they’re crossed.
*Hears a joke about a chocolate bar*
*Snickers*
I didn’t say you are fat, I just said that going out with you feels like going on a double date
My signature move is eating a whole bag of something before realizing I don’t like it.
[god creating elephant]
“overfeed that aardvark”
Imagine your life revolving solely around a napping and snacking schedule and still being mad all the time.
Get it together, toddlers.
No, my carpet does not match the drapes. I simply refuse to shave my head.
*looks over shoulder*
*puts tiny piece of paper in trash*Wife (from upstairs): THAT CAN BE RECYCLED!!!
little known fact: bill nye is short for william new years eve
Him: hey see you around
Me, a flat earther: *eyes narrow* yeah see you ahead
“So your new carol is just eight verses of you demanding figgy pudding with increasing hostility.”
“That’s right.”
“And it’s called We Wish You A Merry Christmas?”
“Yes”
“Buts it not really about Christmas is it? It’s mostly about figgy—“
“—figgy pudding yeah.”
Went to work without a drop of makeup on… walked by a mirror and said good morning thinking that was someone else.
BOSS: I’m sorry mike, but you’ve been downsized
ME: (75% of my original size, in a voice 125% higher pitched) ahh maaan
Her: I need a funnel
Me: well that narrows it down
Husband has entrusted me with sending holiday gifts to his employees. Should I sign them XoXo or is it considered more professional to spell out Hugs and Kisses?
Me: I want a labrador but pet shops are so expensive
Her: Have you tried dog pounds?
Me: Yeah, but apparently it’s ‘not a real currency’
My boyfriend thinks it’s cute when I use the clap emoji but I’ve just been trying to tell him that I have an STD.
Canadians are so nice and polite bc they made a pact with Satan to have all their hate stored in the geese
“The cat spilled water. Don’t worry, your coloring book’s fine” isn’t a thing my gf thought she’d ever say to a grown man, but here we are.
I need this for my side hustle.