If snakes were wide
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Ugh I’ve put on so much weight. Can you believe I used to be 7lbs 9oz?
Have you ever created an amazing #Excel spreadsheet, but then been disappointed because none of your friends or family cares? #AskingForAFriend
My whole life was a lie.
Not today, Satan.
Wait, what kind of cookies are those?
Let he who is without sin cast the first stone. Who threw that? Gary, was that you? Don’t act innocent, I know you download music illegally.
i have been told spending the night in this haunted house will grant me immunity from being pranked or fooled on the april fool day
I’ve got roughly 12 hours left of summer vacation, and I’m really starting to think that my friends & I aren’t going to stumble across an alien creature stranded in the woods, or discover a secret map providing clues to buried pirate treasure. And that’s just sad.
SON: [Stood by tree with apple on head] Dad, what ever happened to my three younger brothers?
WILLIAM TELL: [Aiming arrow] ….Chicken pox
Relationship status: If my husband is running his fingers through my hair, it’s to retrieve food.
girl: wanna have car sex?
me looking out the window at my car nervously: um… do I… do I put it in the muffler
Her: I want to fulfill your deepest desire.
Me: *gives her recipe for my mom’s peach cobbler* The crust is the most important part.
*gets b̶e̶t̶t̶e̶r̶ bitter with age*
To clean them like a pro without leaving any traces, you’ll have to wash your hands like a politician
My 8yo niece: I have 6 boyfriends
ME: ok wow, that’s a-
Niece [interrupts]: I hate all of them
[Date]
Karen: “You okay?”
Ian: “I’m undressing you in my mind”
K: “Okay… you look confused!”
I: “I’ve never seen a bra strap like this”
The only relationship you should expect to last on Twitter is the one between your TL and those who have you blocked.
What if Fox News is just an 18 year long infomercial for teeth whitener?
My aunt dropped by unexpectedly and when she knocked on the door, instead of barking, my dog tried to jump in the lit fireplace and I’ve never felt so on the same level as anything ever.
[my first day as a psychologist]
patient: i’ve been hearing voices
me: okay so your ears work, now what’s wrong with that brainayours
Some homophobic guys are scared that a dude might hit on ’em.
If a chick wouldn’t hit on you, neither would a dude.
Ugliness is universal.
*Gets on plane*
*Takes out earbuds*
*Untangles earbuds*
*Plane lands*
[grounding my son]
me: THAT’S IT! You’re out of the school play!
wife (whispering): he doesn’t actually care about that play
me (whispering): I know, I just really don’t want to go to it
Wait is Venmo down too?? Venmo me I’m curious
This isn’t fat this is a stockpile. I’m doomsday prepping.
Mrs Lemon: hi honey. Good day at work?
Mr Lemon: awful. Care for some homemade lemonade?
Mrs Lemon: where… where are the kids?
date: probably losing a loved one. what about you, what’s your biggest fear?
me: driving into a wall that someone has painted to look like a tunnel
On Average, ovulating women prefer rugged & masculine men.
Menstruating women prefer men duct-taped and on fire.
idk about you but I still remember what I was doing when I found out Kennedy had been shot: sitting at home, reading the JFK Wikipedia page
…her name was April, and her only son went on to become a comedian but everyone just called him: April’s fool.